Aika ######

For someone like me as a happy go lucky girl, my life is so empty. 

Is it wrong that I have a fascination and sometimes gets turn on by dead bodies
          
          Especially in movies like acting
          
          I remember I always manipulated people to do that which now I think about.. Is wrong 

I always feel that I could never show my feelings. This the only place I can. I don't even trust my own therapist. I don't trust anyone. I CAN'T trust anyone. My trust got broken by getting bullied by my so called "childhood best friend". I wanna trust someone but I just can't. 
          
          I wanna express my feelings someday

I often post my feelings here since I feel really comfortable since this is the only website no one knows me and can't confront me. It feels so good to be honest. I really like this feeling of freedom. I wonder if there's more feelings I never experienced like love. 

I feel sad and jealous when  my friends focus on their other friends when they pay attention to their other friends so they don't be sad. 
          
          Maybe it's because I usually hide it by being happy. But I just don't want them to leave. I lost too many friendship due to that. I don't want them to leave me. I don't wanna be alone. It's scary. 

Unpublished my old stories because I don't feel comfortable anymore with it

I wish. I could be like the perfect person I always dreamed to be. 

just please... I beg... Don't leave me... I don't wanna be alone.. I don't wanna be hated... I.. Wouldn't see anything... It would be so dark... Dark with no escape. 

I can't help it. I wanna be a normal girl. Is it too much to ask. I don't wanna be alone. I hate it. Nobody to talk, listen, laugh with. Nobody. It's scary. I wanna be with someone. I don't wanna make people hate me or dislike me. I wanna be the "perfect" self I always wanted as a child. I wanna make everyone proud. I want to be happy. I wanna be a child again. I want to experience the pure happiness again. I don't wanna deal with the problems. Sometimes I wish I could forget or have a new personality. I always though I was a mistake. A lot of people won't be hurt because of me. Am I selfish to cause this? Am I an asshole? What am I? Someone. Please. Tell me. Anymore of these feelings I'll be gone. I don't wanna. I wanna be with my family. I wanna see my little sister grow. I wanna be there for her. But sometimes. I can't take it anymore. 

I can't help but think I make people hate me and ruin the mood. 
          
          I wish I could be like everyone else so I wouldn't have to deal with these feelings
          
          I'm not used to it. 
          
          I'm used to bottle my feelings. 
          
          I hate it.