AnikaSN1098

Anyone else hopelessly in love with someone but from a non-romantic perspective? Yeah, that's what I'm feeling rn-

My cousin left about half an hour ago, it was nice catching up with him. I barely slept last night though (again), so I was half-conscious the entire time. And I had a headache. You'd think I'd be getting more sleep during the summer, but nooooo.

Apparently my cousin T is coming to visit tomorrow (or maybe today in your time zone, whatever day June 18th is for you right now is when he's coming over), and I can't tell whether I'm excited to see him or if I just want to be an antisocial gremlin all day.
          
          On the one hand, T and his brother are my two favorite cousins and we were inseparable as kids. On the other hand, it's been ages since we've seen each other and I feel like it's gonna be awkward. He's just coming over for lunch, but I have a feeling he's gonna be here longer than that.
          
          For context, T's in college right now at UC Berkeley, and is gonna be a junior this year, so he's about three years older than me. His brother P's the same age as me, so P and me were a bit closer as kids. Not by much, but as soon as T started high school, the divide got a bit more noticeable.
          
          College kids scare me, and even though T's a nice guy and I enjoy talking to him, it's still gonna be awkward, at least for me. However, the entire reason he's coming to visit (other than checking on my mom) is because he wanted to see me, and I'd feel bad if I just hid all day. Hopefully I'm not super nervous tomorrow. After all, he's my cousin, and I'm probably just overthinking this anyway.

To everyone who sent me kind words on my last post: thank you. It means a lot that I have people both irl and online who care.
          
          It's always annoying when you can't help but love a person who's hurt you time and time again, in more ways than one, just because they're family. I would be lying if I said that I don't have at least a small shred of love left for my mom even after she clawed through most of it. She still kisses me goodnight and takes care of me when I'm sick, which leaves me with just enough guilt to feel bad whenever she asks me why I can't comfort her the way she does for me.
          
          It's not that I don't care about her, it's the fact that I can't show it. I'm awful at expressing emotions other than anger or indifference when it comes to my parents, so when she got second degree burns on her stomach last week that left her in pain for ages...nothing. I knew she was hurt. I knew I should probably feel bad from a practical standpoint. But all I could feel was anger at the fact that she expected me to say something. I have no words, and it's not my fault. And yet I get yelled at for it.
          
          She cares, but about all the wrong things.
          
          (Anyways, that was my rant, I promise I'm done ranting about my mom, I just needed to get that off my chest)

https://youtube.com/shorts/_x08qjwlyTs?is=Ie-ZWKLOLCGt_4o1
          Hehehehe

I was forced by my mom to volunteer at a thrift store for 3 hours today, which involved me walking around the whole time with no breaks organizing clothes. Granted, I probably could have taken a break in the middle without people judging me, but I got scared they would think I'm slacking off.
          
          Anyways, we had a sign in sheet where we would mark off our volunteer hours, and when I got done at around 4:00-ish, they said they would keep it in the back for me. My dad picked me up, got me Chick-Fil-A (because he's the parent I can actually stand), and brought me home.
          
          And what did my mom do as soon as I got home from this extremely exhausting endeavor that caused my left knee to almost give out on me?
          
          She yelled at me for not bringing back my volunteer sheet with my hours.
          
          They quite literally said explicitly that they would keep it for me, but apparently not bringing it home makes me a kindergartner who needs to be told what to do constantly and makes everyone's lives complicated just by existing (her words, not mine).
          
          Can I just be 18 already so I can get out of this goddamn house? I might resort to murder if she doesn't shut the fuck up, I'm doing my best here.

Fluid identities are weird.
          
          Sometimes I wonder if I'm completely ace, but then I realize that it's just one of my 'ace days' and I'm still very aceflux. Similarly to how I wonder if I'm just nonbinary, but then I realize it was just one of my 'nonbinary days' and I'm still very genderfluid. I still refer to myself as ace sometimes for simplicity, and I still refer to myself as nonbinary sometimes for simplicity, but there are times when I forget that there's so much nuance behind fluid identities that I take for granted.
          
          There's also a lot of nuance behind labels in general. Someone could say that they're trans but they're actually demigender, or someone could say they're gay but they're actually bi. Labels are used by so many people in so many different ways, and there's a sort of beauty in how even if two people have the same label, they could express it differently.
          
          Anyways, that was my TED talk, time to be brain dead for the rest of the day.

hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii hruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

I finished my first ACT today! Not gonna lie, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but I don't know why I forgot what a correlation coefficient is. I guess it's a side effect of finishing calculus before the ACT and having that be all I remember about math. English and Reading were pretty light though. I'm hoping I at least get a 35.
          
          I will say though, it's a pain to have to go all the way to San Francisco for it, since I live almost two and a half hours away and we had to stay in the dingiest hotel ever overnight. This and my insomnia, as you can probably imagine, caused me to get uh...not a lot of sleep.
          
          On the bright side, we got to go downtown and we also went to Pier 39! My mom bought me two keychains, one of which I'm giving to my friend, I got a bunch of sea lion pictures, I got to cure my caffeine deprivation by getting tiramisu ice cream, and overall had a great time. And my mom wasn't even that insufferable!
          
          Minus taking pictures IN THE MIDDLE OF WALKWAYS. WHERE PEOPLE, YOU KNOW, WALK!
          
          Regardless, I'm exhausted. My honorary sibling and her brother (who I guess I should also call my honorary sibling because he's the only 12 year old I know who I actually like) are coming over tomorrow, and I need as much energy as possible so that I'm not fucked when we're playing video games.
          
          I should probably sleep. Or try to, anyway. Why does insomnia have to suck so much?

I just took the Enneagram test again and how the actual fuck did I go from being a Type 9 to a Type 7? Type 9 and Type 5 were tied for second place, which checks out, but I didn't expect it to change so drastically in less than a month. Now I'm curious what my subtype is.