There’s probably a few things I would’ve done differently if I was the one writing it.
1) I’d make it a reader insert where the reader is just based off of Nezuko rather than it actually being Nezuko.
2) I would’ve started the story at a different point of the plot rather than at the same time of them meeting Eleven.
3) I would’ve made Nezuko much more defensive upon meeting everyone for the first time since she had just been separated from her brother and sent somewhere unfamiliar. I doubt anybody in that situation would be friendly and curious. She probably would’ve grown to her normal size, to make her at an even height with everyone surrounding her in the unfamiliar place rather than leaving her tiny, as that would make her feel less safe.
4) After probably a few hours or days, she’d slowly get comfortable with everyone. It’s not like when she met everyone else like Tamayo and the Hashira where she was instantly friendly. She’s alone and doesn’t have her brother with her, so she’d have to be more wary and defensive to keep herself safe.
5) I would write the dialogue differently as just putting a name followed by : and dialogue doesn’t give the story much depth or description of feelings or actions. Stories written like that often become boring very quickly.
6) I wouldn’t space out paragraphs so much, and make the chapters longer so it’s not one scene spread across multiple chapters. Especially if that scene isn’t something serious or interesting like a fight (ex: the battle against Akaza or the Entertainment district arc)
7) I’d use more details in describing things. It’ll paint a clearer picture for the reader and leave them less likely to become confused. However, I do like the use of Gifs as they allow people to picture what’s happening more clearly.
Hope these help!
