Don't wanna live, don't wanna die

That moment when you scroll back in time to your younger self posts and realize you may not have been mentally healthy....
          .....
          nope still not mentally healthy. Just a little more self aware now.
          
          anyway I am now on AO3 as Annie_phoenix! Go there for my works that are more coherent than the idiocy posted here, please.
          PLEASE

I feel empty and numb, like I'm only half here. I don't want to do anything, even though I should. I have so much homework and here I am writing this. I just don't feel alive right now. I feel like I want to cry and at the same time tears just won't fall. I have no  fuckin idea what to do.

I know this is pathetic. I know I really suck. So I guess I'm just gonna give a rough version?
          I'm a really forgetful person, so...at the start of the year, I was put in the same extracurricular activity with these two girls also in my class. We ended up becoming friends and it was nice because I could actually talk to people without accidentally ranting or shit to make it awkward. At least I think we were friends.
          So, I'm the kind of person who lives a lot in their own head. I forget to talk a lot and my offhand comments get people looking at me weirdly, so I try not to talk to anyone because if they don't see my as their friend or somewhat acceptable, they look at me like I'm a creep or stupid or an idiot. So, one of the girls (for anonymity's sake I'll put her as LX), keeps on trying to talk to me. However, 90% of the time I don't feel it. I don't like talking to people most of the time as I'm too stuck in my own head, stupid. I guess she eventually got tired of me always brushing her off and went to find a new friend, one that actually talks to her and doesn't spend 99% of her time in their own head.
          I know I deserve it. Friendship takes time and trust, and I sucked at it because I was too self-centered. So, when LX asked me if I was okay with her switching friends, I told her I was okay because I deserve it.
          I know I deserve it, but that doesn't stop it from hurting that the closest friend I had basically abandoned me.
          She doesn't talk to me much anymore. We say a few words to each other once/twice a week since we're still in the same extracurricular.
          I know I drove her away like the fucking idiot I am. And now I have no friends left, so I guess I'll just rant, pray no one reads this or replies to it. And if they do, it's probably to tell me where exactly I fucked up, because I know I did, and I only have myself to blame.

Hi.
          I know its been months....
          SORRY!
          *rapidly bows in apology*
          I've kind of been switching between different fanfic sites...so I haven't really updated, more of taking a break and reading now.
          And my god-grandmother just died...the cremation is happening as I'm writing this. Thank fuck I don't have to see it. I think I'd break down if I did. I never really knew her, but...the shock just didn't register that. That a person whom I knew was dead. Gone.
          Sorry for rambling.
          Right now I'm trying to adjust, I guess.
          So, trying to distract myself, I don't think I'm going to update any of my stories, sorry to disappoint you. I didn't really have any plans for them, so I'm going to try and get a concrete plot down with A Hero's Heart. Character Analysis is probably going to be abandoned, sorry. And 3 Worlds Collide, still up for debate.
          Da Yi Po, rest is peace.

Okay-The Endeavor Work Studies Arc bugs me. Like, come on! Deku, Bakugo, and Todoroki have been in enough fights to know what's at stake. Endeavor should know this! Because their best learning environment is, and always will be, in the middle of combat. When did Deku first use 5%? Punching the Nomu at the USJ! When did Todoroki first use Flashfire? Fighting Tetsutetsu! These three shine their brightest when they're thrown into a battle and are forced to improvise. When things are at stake, they get really serious. So, when Endeavor puts them in a safe learning environment, of COURSE they fail. They may think they're putting in 100%, but since lives aren't at stake, they subconsciously put in 80%. The reason why they only got it when Ending attacked was because, well, lots more was at stake, including Todoroki's brother, Natsuo. In the work studies, their only risk was Endeavor's (and maybe Aizawa's?) disapproval. Against Ending, real lives were at stake. They only more or less caught up when there were villains, right?
          I think this is where Endeavor went wrong. I wouldn't put it past his character to give them something at stake, but because the author wanted to make him more likable, he didn't.

Time for a rant.
          First, W.T.F.
          Come on.
          My analysis book has been up for one week.
          And it's already 67 out of 10.2 k.
          Are all the other writers just that bad...?
          Why.
          On Ao3, all the new stories get lots of exposure. On Wattpad, it takes forever. But I just discovered a hack. If you just make your writing really detailed with little to no spelling errors, then you can rank really high. Which is stupid, because...
          All the top stories are love stories.
          WHY??
          No, seriously. Why can't someone write stuff that's not 'some person x reader' or 'some person x oc' or some ship that's really just projection. AHH looked really out of place next to all the cutesy lovey covers.
          Okay, this sucked. But it made me feel better, so yeah.

I just had a panic attack. Dunno whether or not it's my first, since similar things have happened to me in the past. Is it a panic attack?
          I couldn't breathe, I felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders, and that I couldn't do anything right. Can you please tell me?

Uh-so, I'm planning to discontinue 3 Worlds Collide in favor of rewriting it and changing the title. I also finished my PSLE recently, so I want to publish something to celebrate. What do I do, discontinue 3WC and rewrite it, or continue? Should I publish something to celebrate the ending of PSLE??

Okay, I live in Singapore, where the number of covid cases are steadily increasing-alot by Sg standards.
          I really don't like how biased everything is now.
          Roughly 84% of Sg's population eligible for vaccination is vaccinated.
          My birthday was over a month ago, and the minimum age for vaccination is 12.
          If you don't get vaccinated, you can't eat in aircon places, so you can't eat in restaurants, and can only grab takeaway.
          So, since I'm part of the 16% unvaccinated, I can't eat out anywhere but hawker centers. Pretty bias, at least in my opinion.
          When I heard it, I thought of My Hero Academia, and the bias towards those quirkless.
          Everyone's telling me the risks of not getting vaccinated. I'll miss out on lots of stuff too. But I HATE needles and injections. Just the thought of it makes me squeamish. Any advice?

꧁Hi @Annabethchase11-3 Tʜᴀɴᴋ ʏᴏᴜ ғᴏʀ ᴀᴅᴅɪɴɢ ᴍʏ sᴛᴏʀʏ ᴛᴏ ʏᴏᴜʀ ʀᴇᴀᴅɪɴɢ ʟɪsᴛ! Hᴏᴘᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ʟɪᴋᴇs ɪᴛ ᴀɴᴅ ᴅᴏɴ’ᴛ ʜᴇsɪᴀᴛᴇ ᴛᴏ ᴛᴇʟʟ ᴍᴇ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ᴛʜɪɴᴋ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ɪᴛ! 
          Iғ ʏᴏᴜ ᴄᴏᴜʟᴅ ᴀʟsᴏ ᴛᴇʟʟ ᴍᴇ ɪғ sᴏᴍᴇᴛʜɪɴɢ ɴᴇᴇᴅs ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ ɪᴍᴘʀᴏᴠᴇ ! ꧂
          
          
          Lᴏᴛs ᴏғ ʟᴏᴠᴇ, sᴛᴀʏ sᴀғᴇ ᴀɴᴅ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴀ ɢᴏᴏᴅ ᴅᴀʏ!♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎