I am very smart.

Except when I'm dumb.



I am *not* a nerd.

Except when I am.



I have it on good authority that I'm a fabulous person.

Except when I'm not.



I don't wear diamonds.

But only because I absolutely refuse to. 



Also: Diamonds are dumb.



I am prejudiced.

But only against ugly drawings-and stupidity.



I'm something of a germaphobe, and a little bit OCD.



I love to analyze films-but only with other people who like doing it, too. 



I collect purple hippos.



I have begun to play the drums.



And I make the best spaghetti sauce in the entire world-but only in my head.