Melting

I’m sorry
          I planned on it again this year
          Two more days
          I gave myself a week again this time
          And I don’t have anyone anymore
          
          I mourn the person I could’ve been, and as selfish as it is, I hope they do too.
          
          I wasn’t good enough for them to keep around..
          Half of me knows it wasn’t my fault but the other half remembers every time I was never on their mind, and every time I tried.
          
          I tried and things didn’t work.
          And I don’t fault them for that.
          
          I loved them.

Hey, you left me a really kind note in 2020 and I want to thank you for it. I can see you were having a hard time and I hope things got better. And if they haven't know that soon they will. You'll be okay. Just take it one day at a time. Thank you again

Every little thing seems to bring me closer to a breaking point
          
          Sometimes I just really want to go mute
          I would never have to worry about saying something dumb again

I’m alive somehow

Update: Currently in the ER
          I was at school and started violently throwing up with a sudden massive headache to the point I cried
          They put me in a wheelchair and I’m starting to feel hungry but my headache is still pulsing
          I can’t eat or drink anything without throwing it up and we’ve been waiting for two hours now 
          I may need to get fluids and an IV, and I haven’t done this before

Mention of sorta harsh topics:
          
          I went to my school’s counselor after another breakdown and told her about my thoughts of su**ide. She helped and called my parents, gave me extra helplines, and I talked to a lady on the phone about it.
          That was yesterday. My family trusts me and even my brother, who’s an asshole sometimes, told me I can come talk to him if our parents are annoying me
          I haven’t been bombarded but I hate the way people are looking at me like they have to step on egg shells around me so I told them not to
          I feel better but embarrassed about mentioning it for some reason
          
          We weren’t able to tell the principal thank god, but it’s because some girl started stabbing her own hand with scissors at drama club and our music teacher had to restrain her. So it’s been a wild day.

I don’t want to do this anymore, and I’m being honest
          
          My depression appears to be getting worse
          I want all this to be fake but my derealization hasn’t kicked in since the one time I need it to
          
          I went offline for a few days and started healing but then my boyfriend yelled at me for not being there for him enough
          I went on break with him and he’s still messaging me like nothing happened
          My friend is probably dying and I can’t take it anymore
          I’ve fought my depression and anxiety for 7 years now and I’m trying so hard still
          
          Some little girl ripped my project I worked on for a while and I found it on the bus and picked it up in pieces
          I broke down crying infront of the whole bus and then said I wanted to kill myself 
          My friend was shot by police three times for no reason, I saw his dead body at his funeral, my depression is already horrible, and I’m trying so hard with my anxiety and grades
          
          I came home and broke down sobbing to my mom about trying so hard and not wanting to do it anymore
          I’m trying I really am 
          I know I can do it still but I don’t want to do this anymore
          
          
          I don’t feel like myself anymore and everyday is more stressful than the rest
          I tried being there for everyone but I couldn’t
          I can’t eat and I’ve lost 10 pounds in a week
          I’ve never cut myself but I’ve been so close to doing it this month and I hate feeling selfish for thinking about it 
          The social stress is horrible and I’m expected to keep up with my work and be okay at the same time while all this is happening
          I don’t want to be here anymore
          I tried doing it when I first got depression but I gave myself a week to live, and it got better so I stayed
          I’ll be doing that again after I break up with my boyfriend, he was the best relationship I’ve ever had but he’s still not mentally okay and I can’t keep up with dating someone clingy
          
          
          It’s tough to flat out say that I don’t want to live anymore. I don’t know how serious it needs to get for someone to start caring, but I can’t anymore.
          I’m sorry.

I went to Hunters Funeral
          I don’t know how to feel yet to be honest. I cried a bunch and ended up leaving. I prayed on the way home and talked to him, or myself, a lot. I ate, drank, decided to go offline for a bit.
          
          It ended up being open-casket, so I saw his body. I saw an actual dead body, and my derealization couldn’t even convince me that it wasn’t real. And it was of my classmate, who I talked to not long ago before his death.
          I’ll have my ups and downs, but I’ll be taking a mental health day today.

Hunter’s Funeral is during this weekend on Prom Night, and so is another dance. 
          He was never a fancy person, and actually loved wearing camo, so everyone is wearing hoodies or camo in respects to him.
          
          Many are skipping to go to his funeral. We’ll be replanting and updating our school courtyard in dedication to him hopefully. 
          
          Rest In Peace Hunter.
          

Update on what happened to Hunter and stuff: Heavy topic warnings:
          
          Hunter was shot three times apparently, and didn’t have a gun. 
          He posted many times about killing himself.
          My school isn’t doing well, apparently the reason why he was gone for a few weeks was the school’s fault and he was yelled at by the principal and knowingly suicidal. 
          I didn’t know this…
          
          We didn’t talk often but he was nice. I would never have guessed what life was like for him but Ik he was stuck with not so good parents and he’s ran away before.
          
          We have school tmrw and Friday was just a student health day, but ofc none of the staff except the music, Math, and Biology teachers comforted anyone.
          
          A GoFundMe  was started and the only staff that signed was a lunch lady at my school, 1,000 dollars in total so far. I won’t be able to say much more due to the identities of my school and Hunter’s family.
          He was a good dude and made many people laugh.
          
          The night after finding out about his death, there was a purple, orange, and yellow sunset above the trees in my town and many people posted in his name. Thank you for reading.