Artisticpineapple

Hellooooo

i wrote the story

I wrote an eleventh chapter for survival, I think I'm gonna focus more on survival than the other stories at the moment since its over all my favorite. I'm also trying to write more, because its been awhile and I don't have many reads

I haven't been writing for a while so I've written two more chapters of survival, I hope you find it interesting, I decided to change it up a bit. So tell me what you think! Thanks

@radunn1227 thanks for the advice! I'm actually sort of realizing all these mistakes I'm making, so thanks for helping me out. Haha and have fun brushing your teeth (;

teeth. I can't stand them! It gives me the chills just thinking about it...Ugh I have to go and brush my teeth now...Anyways awesome job with describing small things like that. Although little details may seem time-consuming and pointless, they seriously make a difference in writing.

advice- keep commenting on people's stories and asking them to check them out and get their opinions. BECAUSE if your lucky they might just do it and *cough cough* *wink wink* *nudge nudge* tell their friends about it like someone I know very well will. Also, tell your friends at school or work (who like to read), cousins, "friends", facebook friends, twitter friends, instagram friends, tumblr friends, every online friend you got about your story and your bound to get more reads. Think of it like this: You need to act like the ads on the side of every website you go on. You need to always be there asking to check out your stories. Though a lot of people might ignore you, you also have the chance for a lot of people to check out your story if you can catch their eye.
          The good stuff:
          1) Ignore my first piece of advice if you plan on giving the reader little pieces of information about how things work in her home as you go along because sometimes I can misinterpret things or assume too quickly... okay glad I got that off my chest.
          2) I really liked how you described Vanessa's history a little bit in the story- e.g. how her father died and the abnormal animals and how she trained herself. Bravo!
          3) I loved your main character!!! I love how fearless she is and her amazing combat skills. She seems very edgy- I like it. Vanessa is definitely a character I would love to put in my story. (My problem is that I don't know what it's like to be fearless so that is my "Achilles heel" when it comes to writing about Dauntless characters- I can't write about fearless and bravery since I have no experience with it)
          4)Oh my gosh!! That freaking creepy "man" at the end of your story right before she blacked out! He creeped me out so much!! Especially your description of him... I think little details like "smiles slyly" and "exposing his yellow, crooked teeth" can prove that your story is awesome. Oh my gosh! EW! That just- no. Most people hate feet- nope not me, I hate gross yellow tee

          Survival
          
          Again, if some of this is harsh please don't take to heart because like I said I could use pointers too. 
          My Advice:
          1) Because my story I have written is based off a book, I usually don't have this problem because the people who have read my story have also read the original book and understand how places look and how they function BUT I think in Survival you need to slow down a little and explain her home/town. I got confused when you wrote, "this is my second home..." I wasn't sure if you meant the forest is her second home or the town in the forest is her second home and then I got confused when I thought "What's her first home?" Is the forest or is the town her first home? Is there a whole different world that's her first home or what? My point is that I was confused.
          2) Now I know I have a bad record of this but I'm sure everyone has this problem- grammar mistakes. Just make sure to re-read your chapter a few times before publishing. I even re-read it after I publish it and still have grammar mistakes that I miss.(I'm not the "sharpest knife in the drawer" when it comes to grammar yet I still decided to write a story... Yeah, something is definitely wrong with me...) Anyways, just look out for little things like frequently confused words (ex: there,they're,their), misspelled words, forgetting to type a word in a sentence, and comma errors.
          3) More! Everyone loves a longer chapter!! Even though Vanessa blacked out at the end of the chapter and you couldn't write more afterwards you still could have added more earlier in the chapter. Like I mentioned earlier- explain more on her home/forest/town/world she lives in.
          4) For chapters to come, add plenty of cliffhangers! People may hate them but yet they make the story more exciting and cliffhangers make the reader want to read more.
          5)Finally, you need to "get out there" and start talking to other people about your story. I don't understand how you have so little reads, I really liked this story!!! My ad

@radunn1227 thanks for the advice! It means a lot, I'll try using those tips and hopefully it will go well

Divergent:
          
          Okay, so if some of these comments sound harsh I'm sorry but please don't take it too seriously because I could use some advice myself... Lets start with your story divergent.
          First off, I think you have similar problem I had when I first started writing my story. In my opinion, Skye's experience in Candor sounds very similar to Tris's experience as Abnegation. I hate to say this but I felt like I have read other stories like this before so my first piece of advice is to make sure to add different conflicts in your story although I know it will be difficult not to stray too far from the book. 
          Next, try to adding different points of view (POV) to change up the story some. I have never tried different povs but I always enjoy getting a different way of looking at each character from someone else in the story.
          Next, you need to make sure you know when to start a new paragraph line. Before each new line of text from a different character, you need to start a new paragraph line. Also, make sure add proper punctuation and capitalization in a line of text. Grammar mistakes like that can make the author come off as lazy and can "turn the reader off"
          Next, you need to add more!! Your chapters need to be longer and I would try to combine a couple of chapters together to make them longer. It always feels like I'm being eaten from the inside out with short chapters. The people want more!
          Now for the parts I liked:
          I loved reading Skye's thought process. I think you are very very talented when it comes to getting inside the character's head.
          Next, OH MY GOSH!! my favorite of your story, Divergent, was a comment that Hunter made to Skye!! I thought it was unexpected and I love it! It was very short but had tons of power behind it. It was the scene right after Skye found out she was Divergent. Hunter interrupted her and said "-And you were in mine." It was like a smack in the face to Skye. WHAM! I thought it was awesome.