Ashley Mary Cain

Update on my drabble on my relationship
          I've decided I'm going to break up with them
          I feel like I'm using them
          I can't find the energy or the desire to even interact with them
          not to mention, future came up in one of our conversations
          They said they could see me as a mother
          with bio kids
          they said when they looked to the future
          they could see me pregnant
          and I just can't
          I feel sick when I think about it,
          I don't want kids
          and I I did
          I'd  prefer to foster or adopt
          I could never ever see myself with bio kids
          and on top of that I don't think I'd be a good parent
          I just can't get past that
          If anything I'm scared that 
          like for so many women
          they'll get me pregnant without me knowing
          I've heard stories and I'm honestly too paranoid that they'd do that
          I know it's probably nothing but regardless
          I'm not risking it

It's been a while huh?
          I don't know why I even post
          It's not like anyone actually reads these
          at least it's cheaper than therapy
          life event are i realised I'm aroace
          also got into a relationship again
          I'm scared that I'll hurt them
          because I'll never be able to love them the same way they love me
          It almost feels like I'm using them
          yet I keep saying "I love you"
          and using pet names
          god I'm such an awful person
          If I wasn't an emotional wreck 
          If i didn't need the support
          I'd leave
          If i didn't care about them
          I'd leave
          but I DO care about them
          but at the same time i don't think i can say i love them
          not in the traditional sense anyway
          I'm such an awful person

Why is life so hard?
          I hate being infatuated with someone
          I know they don't like me
          I'm just a friend to them
          And I love having them as a friend
          but of coarse I had to catch feelings
          I hope they go away
          before they get into a relationship
          so spare me that pain

it's been such a long time
          what's happened to me
          since august 22nd 2020?
          for a start 
          they left me 
          a few weeks later 
          they got with one of my best friends
          they say that it's the first time 
          they've loved someone other than themself
          was their love a lie
          was the relationship the same
          was I a fool for loving them
          probably

What if I can't help them?

I'm scared
          what if she finds out
          what if she hates me
          what if our friends hate me
          what will they think of me
          I should have known better
          I knew she liked someone with his name
          it was wishful thinking they'd be different
          I hoped it was a coincidence
          it wasn't 
          That didn't stop me
          I won't blame her if she hates me
          she has the right to hate me
          they all have the right to hate me
          after al
          I hate me

I'm scared they're going to get bored of me.

I'm scared I'm going to get into a fight with the person I love most and that they'll hate me forever

I'm sorry for everything

I feel so small. I'd like to be held, to fall asleep in my favourite fictional character's arms.