- ★Ash★-

I've been isolating myself from friends, which I only actually realized yesterday. I cried like 9 times today. I think I'm afraid to heal. The thought of relapsing has been persistent for months which sucks but I mean I haven't given in (by that I mean I haven't done anything besides scratching(I think)) so ig its chill. I feel horrible and not okay in the slightest but we're still kickin' lmaooo. I'll be good.

… How long will this crying alone in my room be artsy
          Because eventually I'll drown in my tears
          And my friends will get tired of the same words spoken by my lying tongue
          And I'll be left behind
          How long until all of this gets old and I'm actually ready to die
          And not just saying it to waste the time
          Why am I not better yet
          It's been so many years
          So many tears
          And I'm forgetting how to sleep
          And I'm forgetting how to eat
          Don't post positive quotes
          That doesn't help me
          I'm severely ill and you're not helping
          My mind is twisted and you're not helping
          My body is bleeding and you're not helping
          Because this illness isn't cute
          It's not for writing beautiful poetry
          It's not for singing pretty chords
          It's not for you to be there for me
          It's not for me to be understood
          This isn't helping
          None of this is helping
          None of this is helping
          Why am I not better yet
          It's been so many years
          So many tears
          And I'm forgetting how to sleep
          And I'm forgetting how to eat
          Why am I not better yet
          Why am I not better yet
          Because the clock is ticking fast, and I know that I'll be gone soon
          But it's hard to look forward to tomorrow when all of the days are the same
          Maybe if I take cold showers, it'll help my brain
          If I go on walks, meditate, I should feel relief
          But nothing helps
          I'll wake up, a world of grey, lost, ambitionless, empty, wandering, hopeless
          Another day, losing sleep, losing focus
          Losing friends, is this the end
          Why am I not better yet
          
          
          Why Am I Not Better - Ethan Jewell

If I left, I should write a note right?? Does it matter if I js disappearrrr? Lol...how is everyone feeling? Don't ask abt me, im asking abt yall rn

I don't go trick or treating but my school has a halloween parade for like 20 minutes and my friend and I were pirates and I "ate that up". I made a fake scar and everyone was concerned ahaha I look so good- I don't wanna take it off 

How are you doing?

ilu kai, forever and always

You can't do better in the presence of someone who isn't ready to heal with you. I say it all the time: two addicts won't help each other. 
          
          "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that" — Martin Luther King Jr.

How are you guys??

Message for those of you who need it?? 
          
          If you keep searching for someone to fill this void, you end up putting your happiness in other peoples' hands, but our happiness...its our own job.

how much "aura" did I loose when someone called me fake and I went out and bought a ton of makeup and showed up the next day with a face full of it pfttt that was so funny i can't-