Autumn_Spring376

Happy Birthday to me!!

Autumn_Spring376

this message may be offensive 
Though no body will probably see this, I just want to vent.
          
          I've been going through something. As the days go by, I just feel more and more exhausted. I never understood why people enjoyed life so much, but lately my mental health and overall mental state is at it's lowest. I feel like I'm going crazy, watching the days pass and feeling like a total worthless piece of shit. School only adds to make matters worse, I'm been feeling so out of it and I can't focus on anything. It's already hard enough with the language barrier. I only have one friend due to this, and although I consider her to be my best friend, I feel like I'll be a burden to her. I'm not confident enough to talk to her about my personal feelings. My family won't understand. They're extremely religious, in the past I had talked to them a little about everything but they always told me to go pray, saying God would make everything better. I guess I kind of resent them for it, personally I don't want to be a part of this. It's restricting and doesn't give me much freedom.
          
          I've never been the most stable person, my siblings and sometimes the people around me. They would tell me that I had some issues or that I acted weird for my age. Growing up, I myself, realised it too. What I thought was normal behaviour when I was younger, is now just strange and kind of bizarre. Sometimes I weird myself out with what my thought process was like when I was a child. I guess I can't really talk because it's even worse now. I don't know where I'm getting at. I really wish I could express my current state into words but I'm not poet. It's kind of embarrassing really, I'm never vented before, let alone, online. Anyone and everyone could see, but in a way it feels kind of nice, feeling like I can get somethings off my chest, even if it's only a bit and temporary.
          
          (Part I)

Autumn_Spring376

I've been wanting to say this for a long time. I want to know whether I'm crazy or messed up for this. Almost 4 years ago, my grandmother died. We held a funeral for her, but it's not like your typical funeral. No one worse black, and it was held only 2 to 4 hours after she died. It was at my house, in my native country, it's common for your family to live together in one house. Anyway, her corpse was downstairs in the living room. They invited her family and distant relatives to mourn. To be honest, I didn't really care. I didn't care that she died and I still feel the same now. Am I bad person for it? Maybe. Everyone was crying and I didn't want to seem heartless or emotionless so I fake cried throughout all of it. When my dad came upstairs, me and my siblings went to comfort him (it was my dad's mother) I felt bad for him but then I heard laughing. Instead of crying, everyone was laughing. I didn't think much of it and began to laugh a little myself, only to realise they weren't and quickly stopped myself. It's a good thing no one noticed. After that for majority of the funereal I heard people laughing instead of crying. It was kind of disturbing, hearing people laugh while tears streamed down their faces and a corpse in the middle of the room, I dealt with it though. I'm a bit ashamed to say this, but I was kind of interested by the corpse. I wanted to see what it looked like and I guess touch it to see if it like they say they were in books. Kind of creepy of me, but I've always had a weird and sort of disturbing fascination with death and blood. I know I shouldn't say this, but I really want to paint with blood or want to experience a murder in front of me.
            
            I don't know how, or why things turned out this way. I originally wanted to vent, but it's turned into me ranting about myself. If someone is reading this, first thank you for reading everything, and second, I apologise if I've disturbed you in any shape or form. Thank you again have a nice day.
            
            (Part IV)
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Autumn_Spring376

A lot of people have mental issues, I'd say almost all of them have better reasons than me. I don't think I've experienced anything in life to feel this way. Aside from a few family problems here and there as well as stress from school, I really don't have any reason to feel this way. Growing up, I've always been, empty, in a sense. Randomly, I'd get this weird and awful feeling in my stomach. I'd feel terrible and nothing would make sense, I was confused and felt like there was a hole inside me. Growing up I realised that sensation was me feeling empty. It wasn't that frequent but it happened from time to time, and yet the older I became the more it became common. A few years ago, when I was 10, I realised something was wrong with me, that all those weird sensations I felt was a product of be feeling empty. I was in denial for a bit, I didn't want to believe I was "abnormal", as some people call it. But somewhere along the way I learned to deal with it. I want to say I was born like this, in a way I've always felt this way. Ever since I gained my conscious of the world, I've felt this way, whether it be in small or large forms. I know that it's weird. Afterall how can someone be born empty? Frankly, I don't know. Maybe it's not, and I'm just strange. But it really feels this way to me. I think, a year ago, my sister told me that I started acting different and weird, it was during the time where we had moved into a different building, I was 4 at the time. I didn't think it was that obvious and thought she was lying until my brother and mom had said the same thing. After that, it made me think a lot about my life, and I concluded that I was just born messed up. I'm also pretty sure I have some homicidal tendencies, sorry. I don't ever act upon them, but at times I really struggle to hold myself back.
            
            (Part III)
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Autumn_Spring376

this message may be offensive 
I'm just ranting now, sorry. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, I'm really depressed and kind of need some therapy. To be frank, I have no will to live, I want to kill myself yet I don't think it's the right time yet. I want to say that I'm too much of a coward to actually go through with it, but somewhere in the future, if I don't find someone or something to live for, I know for a matter of fact that I'll kill myself. In the previous message, I said that my family was religious, well I'm not, I'm still scared. Scared of the fact that "What if they're right?", then I'm going to burn in hell, going to have lava poured into my ears. I'm scared, I don't want to go through this just because I killed myself and didn't believe in God. It makes me feel selfish in a way, I refuse to follow a religion just because I can't do what I want, while others endure it? Kind of selfish of me. And it's not like my parents know, I'm not sure what would happen to me if they ever found out. It's hard and frustrating though, pretending all the time, I hate it so much. I hate how envious I feel when I watch other people and see them enjoying their lives. I'm an envious person and I hate myself for it.
            
            Why is it so hard to just be happy? I feel so envious whenever I look at my classmates. They're all laughing and having fun, enjoying their youth and life to it's fullest, while I sit back watching them. Up until last year I didn't have any friends, and I would often just watch my classmates. It's ugly, I shouldn't feel envious of them, shouldn't feel like I deserve it more than them, yet I can't help but think, why them? Why them, and not me? I guess it's in human nature, yet still, envy is a disgusting thing. Or maybe I'm just saying this to feel better about myself, I don't know. I never know anything, at least when it concerns myself anyway.
            
            (Part II)
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