Ava Rose

Blood fills the streets of Edenolf, a city that shines bright at night was dim today. "Seems like a gang fight - bullets, bats, gun residue is clearly present" Suzy, agent of the ERP (Edenolf Recon Patrol), observes the bodies and evidence presented in front of her at the scene of the crime. She hesitates as she speaks to Agent Baron, her partner, he was grabbing gloves and evidence bags, grabbing one of the guns he found on the ground and placing it into the bag. 
          
          She actually moves past him, "hold on a minute, look--" took a moment to catch her breath, she noticed a trail of guts on the ground...she looks back from whence she came following the pattern of blood splatters, she pointed to them for Baron to look then instructed him to watch her 6.  She was wrong. Whatever happened here was way more foul then she thought. 
          Baron follows her whistling then stating, "This was definitely not a gang fight, they were fighting -something- alright~"
          
          She continues the path of blood which leads to an alley, as she got closer more guts and now tared limbs, almost unrecognizable heads decapitated from the bodies. The stench growing, so intolerable she covered her mouth and upon looking up from the bloody trail to its source her eyes grow wide. Hearing rushed patters behind her, Baron had run! She was alone!
          
          [What did she see?]

So, yes, I stopped writing, it used to be a means of escape, but then I grew up. I realized the feelings inside I couldn't handle was teenage angst and I was using this writing platform to subside the hurt and confusion, a sort of process to cope.
          
          What we don't realize of teenage angst is the fact how much it envelops us when we're at that age.
          
          As you age, however, you have retrospect, understanding and can give yourself forgiveness rather then beat yourself up.
          
          I am at that stage in my life, looking back at my failures as lessons and also understanding that I am 25, I am still figuring things out and that's ok. 
          
          Just take life one day, and one step at a time.

This is it, this is when I realize I don’t know what I want. Well I do, but it isn’t easy. 
          
          I want financial freedom, I want my future children to have structure, a structure I didn’t have growing up. 
          
          For the life of me, I want my future husband to be someone I can rely on, a man, not a boy in the way he carries himself, and how he treats me. 
          
          The way I see it, I know what I want my life to look like but not how to achieve it. 
          
          That achievement is strenuous, will make you cry, and have you go through trials before arriving to that glorious destination of peace.
          
          We live in a world that is designed to bring us down, and I just can’t seem to fight through it. But I refuse to let that be my ending. I refuse my undoing to start at my beginning.
          
          I am just 22 years old and if I stay afraid of committing mistakes, how will I ever find my true calling in life? What will guarantee my spot in the finish line. 
          
          I need to step out of my self-implosive mind, and notice my surroundings, my likeness of it, my desires, my chance to accomplish things I never thought I could, and take a retrospective focus on what to do each day. 
          
          To understand my flaws and encourage myself to face and address them. To acknowledge everything will not come to my finger tips, and to say it is okay to be someone like no one else. 
          
          Because I am born for something great, something I’m meant to complete, and I will find it, I will accomplish it, I will complete it, I will arrive to the finish line in success!

You are humoring me,
          
          Why?
          
          All I have is unsolved pieces, none of them combine, they don't give me healthy results, they don't throw me any solutions.
          
          I just stand there thinking,
          
          Why?
          
          Did you receive an epiphany? Start thinking about me? Wonder where I am? What I'm up to? None of your--sarcastic remarks, sweet nonsense, cute compliments, small acknowledgements--make any difference now. 
          
          I have retaliated against my heart, what I wanted, to fit your needs, your standards. Time again, I have stopped myself from becoming bold in our conversations to allude that I have nothing for you--so,
          
          Why?
          
          Do you have the audacity to lance your net, scoop me up at your mouth once again. You have tossed those rights to the sharks, sharks who want nothing real with me. Yet, I let myself be the fish out of water just for one second in your graces, and I let myself drown thinking of what must be going through your head.
          
          I happen to fall into a state of anger, jealousy--jealousy when you talk to a different woman in the same way. I go to a dark place filled with miles of regret of even meeting you, letting you get under my skin--I am not like that!
          
          Why?
          
          Does it only take one smile, one laugh, one comment and I am liking you all over again, when you are so wrong for me, there are no longer numbers in the universe to count how much of a mistake it is to like you.
          
          Why?
          
          I ask myself that everyday with a cup of coffee and eggs in the morning. Wondering If you're a breakfast person too, and hoping there is no one by your side.

I have feelings for someone I shouldn't.
          But I also have unresolved feelings for other people. 
          I confuse myself, so I keep my feelings hidden mostly, but today I am angry.
          Well--not angry, sad and disappointed to see someone that I haven't spoken to in awhile, and mad at another person for giving up. 
          
          I contradict myself all the time, and it sucks. You know, so not to bother him, I act differently now. I don't want him to think I still have these feelings that he didn't even BOTHER to ask me about.
          
          And I hope everyday that my friends do not pay attention to these posts because my candidness gets too real for me to even hide on here.
          
          Because it is easy for me to unleash all the inner contradictions to complete strangers.
          
          So thank you for always listening, whoever you are, and maybe you can relate.
          
          ~Ava

Merry XMas everyone 

I’ve always liked people that don’t like me, ever since I was a kid. I am also still afraid to confess my feelings to someone because I’m scared of being rejected.
          
          Candid, yes, this is me being truthful to myself. 
          
          I’m mad, angry, upset because I’m also an open book—and it hurts when I realize that’s the reason they’ve stepped away from being my friends. They’ve realized I have feelings, so they either stop talking to me completely; or ignore that they know, and change their tone of speaking with me. 
          
          Do I make them uncomfortable? /sigh/ I don’t know.
          
          I feel like a burden, I feel like I’m a terrible person and there is no way to remedy the friendship.
          
          Every time I try, I clamp up and I become afraid again—of rejection. 
          
          Because rejection has followed me since day one, and I can’t seem to ever see it objectively. Never know how to stop it from happening.
          
          And it makes me angry that even me not saying anything to keep the friendship intact, still causes me to lose people that truly understand me for who I am. 
          
          Or maybe that’s just the thing, they never understood. 
          

“Harold! Leave her alone, take me instead—she’s just a girl!—” she gets pulverized, the girl being dragged into sea. #finishthestory  

“Damn it, John! I told you not to touch it! It’s prickly!” the mother moves her son away from the dead humans befalling the planet. #finishthestory

“Teresa Lynch, get yourself inside” the ward of the prison yelled as I closed my eyes feeling the blood rain cascade down my shoulders.