Azazel

I am what's known as a "lateral thinker." One thought leads to another, and then another, and so on. My ideas jumble up into this messy... amalgamate. They spin into one big ball of thread.
            This makes some interesting interactions.
            See, life can be joyful and painful. So, I just try to balance the pain of mine and everyone else's lives with my self-deprecating jokes and funny stories. If only I had my old confidence, I'd be able to string more than three words together without trying to instantly correct myself in the middle of a sentence, this usually ending up jumbling up the original and new word, derailing my entire thought process, this causing me to lose all concepts and context of my previous thoughts. Simply put, I lose my train of thought easily.
            Why? Because Attention Deficit Disorder. I was called a "classic case" when I was diagnosed. Essentially, I have ADHD without the hyperactivity.
            On a completely unrelated note, I also have vertigo. I've had it since I was young, and I still have it today. My knees go weak and my balance falters when I look too far up when outside. I don't know for certain if this happens when I look down a chasm, but I assume it does because of the few times I've triggered my vertigo while looking out of a 3 story+ window. It isn't fun.
            I have much more to say, but I simply don't have the time.
            I care not if you gain any takeaway from my ranting, nor do I care if you wish for me to not spout personal trauma on a public website. I needed to vent. This... helped. Good day, and I hope to finish the next few chapters of some of my books by the end of this year.
            -Aza'zel of The Blackfire

My parents are Christians, I became agnostic. My whole life as a Christian was depressing, so I left it. I did not feel heard, or loved, so I decided to try to find evidence of a "God," any "God..." But I found none. And so I accepted that there was no evidence to prove the existence of a "God," while also accepting the fact that there was no evidence to disprove the existence of a "God."
            This shift was... liberating. As if a grand weight was lifted off my shoulders. Life became infinitesimally simpler after that. People being people, chaos begetting creation. And while religion didn't fill this empty husk that is me, this creed (a set of beliefs or aims which guide someone's actions), helped me in ways I did not know I needed desperate help in. I realized that my Christian parents were so driven by their unshapable beliefs, that they could justify every action and choice. And that they were blinded to the beauties of life. Though, they got to keep the pains of life, this is the one constant. But I digress, religion was not for me. It made life seem much too ambiguous and grandiose. In short, it made life too complicated.

Again I look unto myself, and feel a little less "myself" because of it...
            It seems the abyss really does stare back...
            
            Again I find that which I use to enjoy, barren and void of excitement and well... joy....
            How can I, an ambitionless, burntout, self-depreciating, apathetic and confused person, live in this bleak, painful, endeavor we call life? Simple, see if life is pointless, painful, and meaningless, then death is just the same. Pointless, painful, and meaningless. Life is but a cycle, death feeding new life, and old life becoming more and more death. And so, if I must perpetuate this cycle, then in the very least, shouldn't I be content? Shouldn't I be allowed to indulge myself? Ah, gluttony, my second biggest sin. How I know you well.
            Hedonism, the belief that the pursuit of pleasure should be the one true motivation in life. Although, Hedonism is usually connected to sexual pleasure, and as we know, I am Ace. However, why must Hedonism be limited to just that one pleasure? Why not let it include gluttony, that which is indulgence in life's more basic pleasures. Why not sloth? While laziness is encompassed, it also encompasses the wish to rest easy. Ever wake up and just want to go back to sleep? The mental relaxation and pleasure that comes with it?
            I do not see our future as bright, quite the contrary. The previous generation bred and raised a generation of assholes. Those who think only about themselves and could give no fucks about what anyone has to say about anything. I'd know, I'm one of them. Parent is to blacksmith, as child is to sword. And just like a blacksmith, you mess up, and you fray the metal, you bend it. It breaks.
            Who broke you?
            
            I try to live a simple life, free from complications, but my parents' predetermined goal in mind for me seems to combat me at every turn. I wish my parents could look into my mind. See what I've seen, experience my experiences so that they would know how hard it is to be me.

I hate it when small negative things pop up and give you the same bone-crushing apathy as when something big in your life deters you from completing a project...

@JonathanWillams :}

@JonathanWillams Hmm.

@Azazel_Backfire I'm back from the grave yeah my device I used for my other profile currently capoot

@JonWilliams888 wait what ha ha ha

I guess I should get back to work eh? :}

@JonWilliams888 huh... To be honest I completely forgot I even had wattpad...

@JonWilliams888 noice

@JonWilliams888 Just watch the first two episodes of the og red v blue pretty good so far

@JonWilliams888 :}