this message may be offensive
i wrote this two nights ago
right after i had collapsed on my bedroom floor
and i wondered why the fuck no one would hear me screaming
and i assumed i hadn't shouted and whined loud enough
—because as always and of course, it was all my fault.
i wrote it and immediately deleted it;
i just couldn't bear so much loneliness and painful waiting
but i don't even know what i was waiting for.
i guess i exploded and tried to reach for some help,
though i received no response nor mere advice.
i cried and begged for some attention
i even cut twice, as if that would attract those who were far away from me.
but, who? my friends? my family? what would they have said? they ain't ready for this.
i actually don't think anyone is fucking ready for this. for me.
so while all these feelings ran through my heart, and my head was filled up with emptiness and sorrow...
who or what was i expecting to be?
i understood at that very moment, drowning in tears and blood from my broken veins, that i was entirely alone, doomed to an eternal state of insecurities
oh, i wished so hard someone would arrive and shot me...
i would have been forever grateful.
but only my fears had shown up to the party.
i guess i just wasn't made for these times.
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