"I'm not great at the advice. But can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"

"Greetings are overrated and unnecessary" 

♾♾♾♾♾

"My Cousin ... Miguel."

 "Someone Needs To Sex Me Right Now!"

 "I'm Gonna Break Off An Extra-Large Branch Of Mountain Ash, Wrap It In Wolfsbane, Roll It In Mistletoe, And Shove It Up Your Freaking ..."

♾♾♾♾♾

"If I Have To Hear Doppelgänger One More Time, I'm Going To Have To Learn How To Spell It." 

"If I See Anything I Haven't Seen Before I'll Throw A Dollar At It."

"There's no such thing as a bad idea. Just poorly executed awesome ones."

"Dear Diary, A Chipmunk Asked Me My Name Today."

"Aren't You Worried That, One Day, All The Forest Animals Are Gonna Band Together And Fight Back?"

"I Do Believe In Killing The Messenger. Know Why? Because It Sends A Message."

"What's So Special About This Bella Girl? Edward's So Whipped!"