OurLastChance

Hello there. I'm that girl who made that forum you responded so kindly to. I just wanted to thank you. I've only gotten around to checking the clubs now because I don't always have access to a computer. I normally just stick to my mobile device! Feel free to drop a message on my profile anytime! I know I must sound like a desperate lune. Sorry about that. I was just lovely to hear from someone in the community after such a long time searching.

OurLastChance

Thank you so much for the grammatical notes! That's the part I have been struggling with the most. It puts me at ease to know that they were only small. I genuinely appreciate it. I hope you'll continue with the story if you find it interesting enough to, but if you don't that's perfectly alright too!
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BoygodsPlayground

@OurLastChance Ellie's Prologue and First Chapter are both well written. I saw no jagged transitions or irrelevant details. Your writer voice fits your character's POV thus far.
            
            A few grammatical notes . 
            
            When character Parker speaks to Carter about being nuts by standing in the bus' isle, you wrote "... your nuts" instead of you're.
            
            "That feeling was of coarse..." instead of /of course/. 
            
            "If your ment..." /you're/, /meant/.
            
            There is also an irregularity that I noticed at the latter part of the chapter where after a character speaks it ends in a period instead of a comma e.g. "Carter." I replied. 
            
            And there are inconsistencies in whether you have a capitalized she replied or She replied. This also shows itself more in the latter part of the chapter.
            
            I suggest also editing "So," to "So..." with an ellipsis to show the pause. 
            
            Any questions/issues/rants/complaints, let me know. Let's see what your protagonist does about the girl who thinks the wind is beautiful.
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OurLastChance

You are chalk full of wit, and your comments make me smile when I read them. I'm so glad someone else understands, but is real enough to admit what it's truly like to be on this site. I'm sure you'll be hearing from me again sometime in the near future. So I'm giving you the heads up now!
• Reply

BoygodsPlayground

Your voice as a writer is there, but I don't have enough experience with it to offer extensive description. I am currently reading "Dots" and although I just began,my assertion is apparent.
          
          I want to hear more details of what exactly in my style you are striving for. I believe I can help.
          
          I appreciate your kind words and personal welcome. You will hear more from me. Till then.