CECI_HEART

I don't really feel anything at the moment. 
          
          It's like ik standing in the middle of  a crowd.
          
          And everyone and everything around are just passing by doing their own thing. Living their own lives. 
          
          While I'm just watching them go by.
          
          Wondering why I don't act like them
          
          Wondering why I don't really care about anything anymore.
          
          Wondering when will I take action? 
          
          I'm standing In the middle of that crowd of people walking by
          
          And I feel empty 
          
          Numb
          
          I feel nothing 

Hopefully i don't totally Fail my APSpanish EOC. Today,..
          ..
          .   Everyone please pray for me :( 
          .. you cant see this but.. I'm close to bursting out crying because I never did so bad on grades ... junior year? Yeah.. that year sucks the most 

I know that telling you that I feel your pain isn't true. I don't feel how you feel. I don't understand and think what you understand and think. But I'm telling you, it's fcking annoying when people are being dumb amd insensitive. I'm dealing with depression to and sometimes I just want to punch the faces of the people who trigger me but I can't

My sister doesn't take my depression seriously. Which leads me to yelling at her like a crazy person while slamming my bedroom door. Today she literally said "I didn't say anything wrong" 
          Which just fuels the anger inside me. I know some people don't understand depression but knowing that doesn't stop me from feeling ashamed. It doesn't stop me from hating myself. It doesn't stop me from wishing I wasnt such a fucking burden. 
          So I know I shouldn't be angry at her, but i can't forgive someone who doesn't even THINK she said something wrong. Like wtf!?!? Does she not hear herself? Ugh,  sometimes I wish everyone could just disappear forever. I wish I  could just go a to a world that I built inside my head because at least there I don't have to have human interaction. 

Sometimes I wonder. Why I'm still going? Why am I still here? Why am I still alive? It just makes no sense. Why am I not dead yet? I feel like I'm wandering. I'm going along this journey that doesn't have a destination or any direction. I'm just wandering. I just keep going. Keep running. And when I'm tried and need a rest, I just keep walking. I'm kind of lost. I've been lost for a while now. I just take it day by day. But I don't know what to do with my life. I'm just confused. It's a little annoying, having to feel this way. I wish they were gone. My emotions and feelings, I wish they would vanish. I wish they would go completely numb. So that I wouldn't have to hold anyone back. So I wouldn't have to cause people trouble. So I wouldn't be such an asshole. So that I could be a better friend l. So that I wouldn't be such a fuck up. But whatever, this is my life. The decisions I made led me to this. Now I have to deal with it. I just don't know how to do that yet. What an annoying thing... feelings and emotions... their absolutely useless... absolutely disgusting..... absolutely shit, it's full of shit. Bullshit. useless. Absolutely fucking useless. 

I want to be alone. I want everyone to go away. I just want everything to go away. I just want to be left alone, I want to be alone. 

I've been doing good I think this past week. Today tho, not so good. 
          Plus if you add in my Highly sensitive trait it's even worse. Anything can trigger me back into this darkness. Like I know people don't mean to be means and that my classmates don't mean to hirt my feelings. 
          But because I'm so fucking sensitive, anything can trigger me. And that's pretty annoying. 
          I don't know I just feel really bad. Like I know it'll go away eventually, and I also know it'll come back again. Because it never really leaves. And that really sucks. 
          I just don't really feel good today. I feel like crying. I feel like cutting. The craving Is back. It's pretty strong. Not too strong but enough to want to make me get out of bed and grab a razor. But yeah, that's how I feel at the moment. 

Hey, I was doing really good these last few weeks. I didn't feel that down, i was generally not thay moody. And over all I never really thought too much about whenever things would go back down hill again. But recently It started to get kind of bad. And there are small details that are pretty bad too. I had this moment.. more like I always feel this way. That, I feel like I should get punished for all the things I do. I feel like I'm bad person, and deserve a punishment. Like I don't deserve anything good. I noticed that I'm kind of self destructive. And I don't really know how to stop that. Yesterday I cried because I jusf wanted to disappear. I wanted to stop breathing. To stop being alive. I know that I should always try to not let those thoughts crowd my mind but we both know that's not something I can really control. It just really sucks that, I want to get better but I never take much action to do so.  I want to get better but I never take much action to do so. Its slowly turning into "I want to be a better person but I just can't find myself to care as much as I want to" like the emotion of caring, has just been shut off.  

I realized that I have a self destructive behavior 
          ... but I don't know how to stop it. It makes me kind of angry at myself for doing self destructive things. It makes me hate myself more. It's really annoying,  but sometimes I get things out of my family because I do self destructive things.  
          Like today for example, I stayed home today meaning my mom is going to probably cut off my phone. 
          I heard her say that I should just kill myself already. And I head my sister agreeing with her. It hurts, but I don't want to cry even if I kind of feel like it. 
          I did this to myself. And I don't know how to fix it. Or even if I want to fix it. 

My sister looks at me with so much disgust and hatred. Her stare makes me so angry because I know she's judging me. She looks at me like I'm that bitch in school who's talking shit about her. She claims I blaime everyone for my problems, and that's not even the truth. Do I blaim my family for my depression? No. Why? Because I know it's my own fault for not trusting people, it's my fault that I isolated myself to the point of being afraid of people. 
          My sister recently claimed I'm just searching for attention, which just makes me so ANGRY!!! If I wanted attention, I would wear short sleeves. If i wanted attention i would tell people in my school my negative thoughts. If i wanted attention i would cry so loud at night, so that everyone in the house could hear me. If I wanted attention I wouldn't try to hide how I feel from everyone, I wouldn't try fo hide from everyone in my room.
          And it makes me so defensive, like I don't want your attention, all i want is either to be able to leave this house so i don't have to keep living in the same house with total strangers at this point. Or to actually end my life so that I could end the pain . 
          She makes me feel like such a freak, she makes me realize how much she actually stopped caring. She makes me feel so unloved,  and that's goes for the rest of my family. 
          She asks why I don't open up to her, why I dont trust her... well I don't trust her because why should I trust someone who already believes they know what's going on inside my head. Who just assumes I'm an attention seeking teenager who's just going through a phase. 
          I personally find it uncomfortable to open up to people. But I feel like no matter i where turn to in my family, there just going to judge me. I don't feel safe to open up to them. And I know I never will.