Tall white crayon

I fucking feel so miserable why does this reckless behavior of mine exist it hurts so many people I care about I want to fucking die but they still need me they shouldn't care about me stop it please you deserve someone better than me I'm a horrible person who hurt you
          
          I've lost 5 people in the span of 2 days already what's wrong with me why does the universe hate me why do I have to suffer like this please let me breath

Sometimes I need to squeeze the shit out of something hard or soft because of my dissociation, my mind and body feels it's non existent...I'm not really here just a virtual view through these eyes controlling everything 
          
          Am I alive or just..there

Chicken Wing chicken wing hot dog and baloney chicken and macaroni chillin with mah homies dub duhd udhdhd fhduhf hi kvofnf 

Hate children SO FUCKING MUCH THEY GIVE ME A FUCKING HEADACHE THEIR SCREAMS ARE GOD DAMN FUCKING SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU LITTLE BITCH BEFORE I RIP THAT SHIT YOU CALL A HEAD OFF YOUR NECK ASS HAT
          
          
          I'm in my room with headphones crying because it frustrates me... I dislike certain loud noises and children are the main cause to my breakdowns, I'll never have the patience to have a child.
          
          
          Call me an asshole or a monster but I can't help it having ADHD, ADHD is hard to manage especially through emotions so please leave me alone.

Another fucking hour wasted bc of my girlfriend wanting to hang out with her friends instead of telling me ahead of time swear to fucking god it angered me so much because I got in trouble for it now my dad is thinking of taking my laptop away since I'm too "noisy"

Don't want to sound like an asshole she deserves good friends but I try making convo (mostly just affection back and forth) until I ask to do something with her she says "idk" or "just tired"
          
          Yet she's playing with other people...kinda hurts

Supporting my girlfriend with her new group of friends but she barely wants to play or make actual conversation, she plays the same thing over and over although the game is good I just wish she had more time to play with me (her friends scare me and call my other friend fake what the fuck) 
          
          (Not saying she's boring...Definitely don't hate her, wish she would pay attention more instead of small talk)
          
          Second reason being lonely is my crippling anxiety to speak with my other friends (did something bad and apologized for it and idk if they have forgiven me yet...probably not) still love them so much would never abandon them ever just want them to talk to me
          
          even though they BOTH got rid of all my friends from Roblox, discord, vrchat...ect.. THEY'RE ALL GONE :")

I'ma kms I fucked up

Bitch lemme eat my chips in peace don't ask if I'm hungry I just want a snack not an entire Thanksgiving dinner 
          
          Ik you care but it gets annoying tryna guilt trip me into eating dinner

Do you ever crack your knuckles or over stimulate your hand so much by stretching it into a fist then spreading out each phalange feeling frustrated by the skin and just wanting to rip it all off till you're all bones?
          
          
          Me too☆!