I'm not used to having friends for a long time. It feels weird after two years and I feel trapped. Honestly I can't. I just can't. Once I start feeling the weirdness I try to act normal up until the point where I'm a whole different person and I can't stand it. My mind lashes out and tells me that I need to stop or else I'll be weak and easily manipulated. That's why I have such low self esteem and BPD.