Rivy!!!

Shawty i just realized they got rid of the dms on here mb <\3

ok, but GaMing and Xianyun>>>
          IM OBSESSED WITH GENSHIN DONT MIND ME

been a bit! these are messages to myself  atp lol
          today was a rough day- idk, i got to listen to music alot, but everything was just so touch sensitive and everything. people were overwhelming. we did an exam today, i think i failed! im starting to fail, my grades are dropping. idk, i just felt extremely pressured today
          Atp im on the verge of telling my dad's side im trans, but i'm unsure of if i SHOULD. they act so nicely to people coming out online, but when someone irl does, they just insult them like theres no tomorrow. 
          on another topic, my friends. i feel like i'm keeping so much from them. i am, but i just feel extremely guilty about it. especially My best friend. i want to tell her things, but i cant really? like dude i cant tell her i like her, ik shes poly but like, i dont wanna fuck up our relationship by saying smth. i hate myself for it. 
          i've also relapsed quite a bit! i'm self harmingevery second day or so, and it's not getting better. ig i'm just falling in another hole? idk.

I don't think I will ever be able to look at a black cat or read about one ever again.
          I just lost my cat this morning. I've been crying and sobbing for ages. My sister keeps saying she's gone but doesn't understand where and it kills me. I lost my best friend. 

My ringtone started playing out of nowhere(I wasn't even getting called) and it was Eret saying "someone just said 'fuck the gays.' uh that's kinda the point." And I just stopped dead and my stepmother just stared at me, nodded SO SLOWLY and said "I see."
          WHAT DOES THAT MEAN- She already knows I'm gay, so It isn't that, WHAT IS IT???

im not mentally sane :,>
          i just got genshin impact and nearyl squealed out loud
          im broken

This is some random vent if? But like- my friend- I told them that I changed my pronouns, and had a preferred name, and they said my preferred name sounded wierd. Now, idk if they said it in a joking manner or not. But it hurt- and idk how to tell them. Advice if possible? (Also- if no one reads this, dw)