I’m not sure how to make this pain stop.
It’s been like this for months.
Years, even.
It’s just an emptiness most of the time.
But, then there are other times.
Times like now.
Where I want nothing but to be held.
And where the only thing keeping me from breaking down is my mascara.
Because I don’t want it to drip.
And the stupid part is I know no one wants to hold me.
And everyone says they’ll miss me if I’m gone, but I know that’s not true.
And I want to tell him and try to make him understand,
But I know that would scare him.
And I just got him.
I can’t lose him, not yet.
Hopefully not at all.
These thoughts are what make times like these happen.
I think about how, if I died, everyone would eventually get over it.
That they’d eventually be okay with it, and I would become this story with a sad ending.
But what if my ending is already becoming sad?
And I wanna tell them, but I know what they’ll say.
And I wanna get help, but they’d take everything away.
And I wanna cry.
I really, really wanna cry.
But I have no courage to stand and take my makeup off.
So, all I can do is lay here. And think.
I can’t move. I can’t feel.
And if I could, I know all there would be is hurt.
Most days I just sleep. It’s really hard to hurt when you’re asleep.
But my dreams have finally begun to catch on.
Because they’re slowly becoming nightmares.
