Sad Rice

Heh... missing assignments go brrr

No matter how many times I think my crush loves me, no matter how many times I...well.. have a "session" fueled off by said crush, no matter how many times I think they're here, they aren't. They forgot I existed as soon as they left. I miss them everyday and it pains me so bad. I just wish I could see them just once this year. Just so I know they're alive. It fucking sucks. I've known them for at least 9 years now and this is the first year that I can't see their beautifully structured face. I miss their adorable laugh, I miss them, I miss their hugs, I miss the joy they brought me. They meant so much to me. Their little kisses from when we dated were so nice. It always gave me butterflies. It always gave me that fuzzy feeling. The feeling of home. The feeling of joy. They were stripped away from me. They were pulled away by something I cannot control. That thing is the darkness, in my opinion. They changed in a bad way and it pains me. It physically hurts me. I have nightmares of them dying and me not knowing, or them being kidnapped, or raped, or assaulted. It fucking hurts. I can't take it. I WANT TO FIND THEM AGAIN!! I MISS THEM TO MUCH AND IT FUCKING HURTS. I CAN'T TAKE THE AGONY ALONE.

So next week I'll write more chapters in my stories. Im taking the rest of this week off and I hope you all understand! :)

Wattpad keeps giving me save errors and I'm already working on the next book. It keeps asking me if i want to keep that version and idk why its asking me that. It's happening on all of my stories.

Your account is a  v i b e

Hey I'm okay. I had to take a break from Wattpad. So some guy from some company wants to publish one of my stories (EEEEK) and "Just Bandmates, right?" should be finished by the end of this month. I'll work on the other stories after I'm done with it. Sorry for not updating my content. I needed a break from publishing stuff. Also, I might write a Septiplier fanfiction too. I dunno though. This is just me saying stuff and getting excited. School has been an absolute TRAINWRECK and thats why I haven't been posting. I'll try to post updates more.
          
          1 year sober of staying out of the psych ward
          2 weeks sober of cutting

TW: Mentions of suicide, trauma, psych ward, and self harm
          
          I'm bakeracting myself. I can't handle the pain. It's unbearable. I can't stand to be alive and I need help getting over my trauma. Please understand that. GCMV (I have a YouTube channel. Not listed for private reasons) is paused until my mental health is more stable. If you live outside of Florida, a baker act is being sent to the psych ward for 72 hours due to you being a danger to yourself or others. I have 5 new scars on my arm and they hurt a lot. I can't deal with my depression anymore and I need to seek help. Any words of encouragement is welcomed.

Soooo I forgot to baker act myself. I'll do it later this week but i'm gonna vent right now because of what happened last night. But I have one question; Am I the asshole for telling my mom the truth?
          
          So I have a habit of taking people too seriously. My mom compared me to a radical lesbian (something from the 80s) and i got pissed off because I thought she was calling me that. (I'm very sensitive and she knows i'm pansexual, not lesbian) I tried apologizing but she insisted that she should apologize for MY MISTAKE. She wasn't at fault. Then they (my mom and stepdad) brought up why my dad left. She claims it was because he left due to the divorce, when he really left so he could spend more time with me (he was seeing me every other weekend, not even close to 2 months) and she got upset that i said that when it was what dad said. This morning when i went downstairs she didn't even acknowledge i existed.
          
          Wattpad, am i the asshole? If so, how should i apologize? I don't know how and i'm not sure what to do.

I've been doing a bit better since my last post. "Just Band mates, right?" has almost 900 words! (A record for me) and a new wrencus chapter coming soon. If you have any questions, reply to this. But for now, here's some updates!
          
          I have a MCR blog account now. That's new :p
          
          Found a cute person recently. Hopefully they become mine (so I have someone to vent to about my problems ;_;)
          
          Still going to baker act myself on Sunday. Just because I feel better doesn't mean the depressive episode is over.
          
          I still get dead named. Someone pls adopt me ;(
          
          Idk if I'm trans or nonbinary at this point. But I'm leaning towards trans.
          
          Pronouns are they/them and he/him. Please use them.
          
          My name is still and always Cayden.
          
          Joined the GSA club at FLVS. (GSA is Gay Straight Alliance/Gender Sexuality Alliance)(FLVS= Florida Virtual School)
          
          If you know me IRL, just note that I'm extremely different than what you're used to.
          
          "Well, if you carry on this way, things are better if I stay. So long, and goodnight. So long, and good night...." -Helena by My Chemical Romance

So I'm not doing good... my depression got to me this week and last week and I have at least 16 scars. My meds aren't working and I think I'm gonna Baker Act myself because I need to seek help... (A baker act is when you're sent to the mental hospital and sent to stay there for at least 72 hours.) My parents dead name me and not use my pronouns and I feel unsafe. I wish I was faking this. I wish this was just a bad dream, but it isn't.
          
          So I'm sorry if I don't update often. It's getting harder and harder for me to keep up with my mental health. I finally showered this morning and actually ate breakfast food. Haven't binge ate in days. At least that's good..
          But please listen, I'm sorry for not updating stories. My mental health and physical health come first. My birthday is in a few days and I'm really excited. MCR has been my reason (along with Markiplier) to live. I haven't been very talkative to anyone and I think that's why my mental health took a swan dive. If anyone cares, I'm turning 15 on the 28th. I'll get back on tiktok on the 27th and maybe find a few friends to do a zoom call with. If anyone cares/sees this, I'll post the link of the zoom as an announcement on next tuesday morning. It will start when my parents say I can open presents. Idk though. I'm not even sure I'll make it...
          
          The reason I say that I won't make it is because I'm packing stuff on sunday and baker acting myself. My mental health has plummeted and It's my own fault. I'll try to at least say bye before going back to the ward.