SanityWasTaken

Wilbur actually fucking ruined mcyt fics for me like there is no way for me to even revisit ones I've liked before 
          
          Like he completely ruined a major special interest of mine, years of my life that I can't remember positively anymore because he was such a big part of my younger teenage life. My entire bacis of so many things I made him involved in because I liked him that much. I pull out old notebooks from when I was 13 and there is literally fake letters to him that I wrote to cope with my father's death.
          
          I loved wilbur with every fiber of my being and that will never be something I can just ignore because it still affects me. I cannot trust anything. I can't enjoy any content creator anymore because what if they're secretly pedophiles or something, I literally can't trust that someone is not a rapist no matter how much proof there is that this person is good, because what if they aren't and I like them and I can't go through that again. He comes up at least once it twice a week in my life. And it's always small shit, oh I used to listen to that song when I was 14, what other music was I into at 14, oh yeah I was obsessed with lovejoy and blasted it almost 24/7, great now I feel like shit.

I don't know if I'll ever even be able to fully go through this account and start reading again because just thinking about what to do with books that have him in them makes me sick to my stomach with anxiety. I am literally shaking while writing this shit because it still upsets me that much. I have pretty much all of the first half of 2024 blocked out of my memory because of more personal issues and the only thing that triggers memories from then (along with strong, overwhelmingly negative emotions) is wilbur. And fuck, he's everywhere. Twitter as a whole reminds me of him. Harmonicas, Geography, Brittain, that's right, the fucking country. I was obsessed with him, I knew everything about him that was accessable on the internet (kinda creepy now that I think about it but autism doesn't really care) anything that I would have been exited about, like "oh, wilbur likes that", "oh, I remember this one time this happened in a twitch stream." Anything that was entertaining for me, remembering something related to wilbur, if I am not actively with friends or at school, I have an anxiety attack. Because he was so important to me and I still can't comprehend that it was all a lie, I can't understand that anyone would do at he did, I try to think of why, I try to think that maybe just maybe it's all some misunderstanding, and obviously it's not. I physically can't comprehend that there is no undo, there is no going back, I will never be able to enjoy something that was so important to me.

I'm so incredibly upset that I can feel this extremely about something and the person that crested this feeling knows nothing about it, and probably wouldn't even care if they did. The intense immediate change that the entire situation caused fucked me up so bad, months later, I am still in the denial stage. It feels like I will never get over this. And hopefully I do, but I know I will be an adult by then, and by the time I notice, I won't care.
          
          I fucking hate wilbur with much more emotion that I ever loved him, but I still feel like that is not enough. I truely hope he burns in hell for what he has done to so many people, I can't imagine what it could be like for his old friends or victims if I feel how I do and the closest I was to him was an autistic fangirl. He makes me want to delete everything related to him, including the positive things, just so I never have to think about him again.
          
          I keep thinking in going to end this and I just keep going but the main point was actually supposed to be that I don't know if I can continue on this account anymore (or on Wattpad in general) because of the feeling I get whenever I open the app, and I'm probably too old for this shit anyways. Maybe I'll come back and do something, maybe I won't, I really don't know.
          
          I don't want to call it a goodbye or something dramatic, but I think my official offline message sounds bittersweet as fuck, sorry about that
          
          (I'm not editing my typos, y'all can figure out what I ment)

I haven't been on here in a while guys what happened while I was gone?

When I was in like grade 1 or 2 or something, very young, I interpreted "proper nouns" as only things that *deserved* to be nouns, only things I deemed were allowed to be nouns, only nouns I respected.
          
          And this subconsciously still happens td, and so when I talk about anyone I don't like/have no respect for when I'm writing informally, I'll purposely not capatalise their name.
          
          And I js wanted to point that out so I'm not the only one that knows exactly how disrespectful I'm being when I write wilbur soot instead of Wilbur Soot 

Imagine almost (almost) having a panic attack over the fact that, off what you can find in the media, (because you refuse to engage in that fucking mess), wilbur soot has pretty much no repercussions from what he did to shelby, is completely ignoring what he did and is basically getting off Scott free other than maybe losing a few friends and getting slightly more hate than normal that he likely just ignores anyways
          
          Imagine

So I have done some thinking and taken time with shit and honestly, if the writer can properly depict wilbur as a good guy in the story, I've noticed I can read it js fine.
          
          If the writer is more new to writing and doesn't know how to fully code their character into the story and wilbur is in it, then I js can't.
          
          I will have stories with wilbur in my reading lists but I will do my best to remove the ones that I js can't forget that he's an actual shitbag.
          
          "His Curse of Binding" (for example) is a fucking great book and I genuinely forgot wilbur was shit while reading it because the writer knows how to twist the CC into their own character.
          
          Idk if I said what I wanted to say in a way yall will understand so please ask questions I will try to answer them but if you do understand what I'm saying and js disagree then js leave cause I'm so tired of the shit wilbur has indirectly caused in my life and I don't need anything else rn

wilbur makes me so incredibly angry

I haven't been on here in so long I literally forgot my password
          I HAD TO RESET IT 

Everytime I do anything related to wilbur I get a small anxiety attack 
          
          But i have done progress so that's good, starting to take all wilbur-centric fics out of my reading lists. I'm taking fics with authors that haven't said anything about the situation/haven't changed the story to remove wilbur from a positive light in their fics out aswell
          
          Js an update ig, I feel it's important that I do update my progress on things related to him