Chaze

hung out with a good friend and now tis better :D i have forgotten the simple joy of human connection

it's Likely my fucked posture but :(

mmm who put this Emotions Gap beneath my ribs as well >:(

i've been so on edge these last few days and i am spending my gap year writing fucking motivation letters for every single place i'm applying to. it's so so frustrating to know i've worked SO HARD for SO MANY YEARS just to earn a reject because of some migration quota or a lack of ""hands on experience"" or whatever the fuck. just to have a bunch of whiny rich ass kids roll into my inbox to weep about how difficuuult their degree is (they r learning how to covert fractions into fucking decimals. bitch i have been doing this in my head since i was nine.) and it is just!!! maybe i am not the right person to vent to!!! maybe learn some emotional maturity!!! your passport and your country earned you a fully funded path into literally the top internationally accredited uni even though you did next to fucking nothing your entire life and also you are incredibly stupid. do not talk to me about this shit. also are we just gonna overlook the fact that you used me as a rebound to get over your failed crush on my best friend, who now also hates my guts. fuck everyyyoneeeee GOD i hate these people. nyway!! time to showcase my leadership potential and my fruitful passion into yet another 500 word essay for this institution which will either automatically reject me Or offer me a seat for an astronomical utterly unimaginable price tag <3<3<3

I MISS MY TEACHER. GOD i misssss feeling like being On Top is just the norm. "we are doing something that no one else ever has. do you know anyone who has taken steps as grand as you?" ughhhh most if not all of my self confidence stems from him him him. DUDE. THAT WAS THE ONE SINGLE MAN WHO COULD SEE ME ON TOP OF THE WORLD AND CHEER. but oh noo age gap or whatever. i miss him so bad. truly irreplacable.

nyway this has been prevalent My Entire Life cause i'm always a few steps ahead of everyone and anyone who associates themselves with my name ends up feeling like a Just Ken except they can't be cool about it because they would Also like to feel special and hence i end up with horrible friends who i haven't spoken to in months

WE SHOULD GO ON RUNS TOGETHER but instead i'm forcing myself to text him like i'm composing formal emails. i am my own greatest enemy

nyway i curled up into a ball and wept when he texted me. hashtag emotionally and mentally stable

AHAHSHH HE CHECKS IN ON ME MORE THAN MY FUCKING FRIENDS. STOP GETTING CLOSE TO MEEEE I CAN'T GET YOU OFF MY MINDDDD YOU SHOULD STAY PERFECTTTT SO THAT I LOOK UP TO YOU EVERY TIME THINGS FEEL LIKE SHIT ON MY SIDE. DO YOU GET IT

nyway the best cure for "ugh i miss them" syndrome is to keep a faithful journal during the entire path of the relationship so that every time you get The Urge to start a conversation, the journal is there to make you go "What the fuck." incredibly effective.