Chefkiez

natapos din lahat ng pendings ko huhu 😭💅🏻 i'm so tired please. gusto ko na lang humiga, matulog, and wake up tomorrow na magically wala nang responsibilities. is that too much to ask??? apparently yes.
          
          ang gusto ko lang naman ay peace, eight hours of sleep, and a life without deadlines. pero syempre, hindi tayo favorite ni lord. may event pa. MAY EVENT PA. 😭 anyway, congratulations to me for surviving another academic battlefield. if you see me tomorrow looking alive but spiritually absent, mind your business.
          
          sa saturday na ako mag-breakdown. booked and reserved na ang schedule.

being an english major while constantly getting confused by english grammar is actually one of the funniest plot twists of my life. 
          
          i've been writing since 2016. that's almost a decade. u'd think by now i'd look at a sentence and immediately know if everything is correct. u'd think i'd have mastered every grammar rule. u'd think i'd confidently explain every sentence structure without blinking.
          
          absolutely not.
          
          the deeper i study english, the more i realize how much i don't know. it's actually humbling HAHAHAHHAA 

i've seen people say things like, "nagpo-post lang yan kasi gusto ng attention."
          
          honestly what's so wrong with wanting attention? before anything else, i think we also need to ask ourselves what we mean by attention kasi not all attention is the same. if someone shares their sadness, grief, frustration, or struggles, maybe they're processing things the only way they know how. baka yung coping mechanism nila is writing. or maybe they don't have anyone they feel safe talking to in real life. maybe they're hoping na may makaintindi sa kanila out there.
          
          and even if they do want attention... why do we automatically treat that as something shameful? don't we all want to be seen, in one way or another? kasi i always wanted to be seen. don't we all appreciate it when someone checks on us? don't we all feel a little less alone when someone says, na nandito ako para sayo?
          
          wanting human connection isn't a character flaw at all. it's part of being human. i think the real issue isn't wanting attention. it's how we respond to people who are asking for it. sometimes all they need is kindness. sometimes they need someone to listen. sometimes they need professional support. and sometimes they just need to know that someone noticed.
          
          we don't always know what's happening behind the screen. that's why i'd rather respond with empathy than immediately assume the worst.
          
          it costs nothing to be a little kinder.
          
          if a post isn't harming anyone, maybe we can choose curiosity over judgment. everyone wants to feel like they matter to someone, and i don't think there's anything embarrassing about that. 

if i stopped chasing the version of myself that everyone expected, would i finally meet the person i had been searching for all along?

im all for being good to the environment, like promise, i love mama earth and i try rly rly hard to do my part... i bring my eco bag, i use my tumbler, i even reuse jars like they're my new decor theme haha. but... the paper straw? huhu i’m sorry but it’s not it charott
          
          like... i be sipping my coke float feeling cute then wala na, my straw gave up on life. like??? hindi pa nga kalahati nauubos, nagdisintegrate na siya. ang sakit sa heart kasi gusto ko pa naman i-enjoy yung drink slowly, pero yung straw may sariling plano sa buhay, at ayun, nagpaalam na siya early. charr napaka oa huhu
          
          protect the planet but also... protect the float experience pls HAHAHAHAHA balance langg
          
          don't get me wrong ha! i get it, i get the purpose. single-use plastics are bad, turtles are crying, oceans are suffering... and yes, may guilt pag nagagamit ng plastic. but can't we find like, a middle ground? a straw that’s not plastic, but also won’t melt faster than ice cream sa init ng panahon? huhu
          
          ok love u mama earth, but not the soggy straw. peace and plant-based hugs hehe.
          
          anyway, this is just a random nonsense huhu maybe next time i’ll just bring my own straw... yung metal or silicone, ganern. para safe and satisfied.
          
          

my soul is fatigued from the relentless burden of existence

okay but can we talk about light shop for a second because what was that  i am genuinely confused and emotionally attacked.
          
          i pressed play fully prepared to be scared. like, lights off, phone face down, heart ready to sprint. i signed up for horror. i signed up for creepy silence, shadows, things moving in the background, the usual “why did i watch this at night” experience. no one told me this was actually a trap. a beautifully written, emotionally violent trap.
          
          i was prepared to scream. i was prepared to pause every five minutes. what i was NOT prepared for was bawling my eyes out like i just remembered every sad thing that ever happened in my life. excuse me??? this is not what horror is supposed to do to me. i thought this was about fear. turns out it’s about grief, loss, love, and all the things i actively avoid because drama is NOT good for my heart.

happy new year to me, and to you, whoever you are, even if you only exist as a quiet thought hovering nearby. let’s sit for a moment. 
          
          dear me, i know you arrived at this year a little tired. the kind that lives in your shoulders and makes small tasks feel heavy. but still, you arrived anddddd that counts. THAT ALWAYS COUNTssS. some years are survived, not celebrated, and survival is a form of courage we don’t clap for enough.
          
          to my imaginary reader- bonjour. you don’t have to impress anyone here. you don’t have to be interesting or wise. you can just be present. i hope you know that wanting rest does not make you dull, and wanting softness does not make you weak. the world is already sharp, you don’t need to be.
          
          me, you have been so serious lately. let’s gently loosen that grip, please huhu. life is not an exam you forgot to study for. it’s closer to a messy novel with coffee stains on the pages. you are allowed to laugh in the middle of the sadness. you are allowed to nap in the middle of ambition. very feeling french of you, honestlyy lolol.
          
          this year, i hope you stop arguing with your own needs. if you are tired, sleep. if you are lonely, say so. if you are happy, don’t downplay it to sound mature. joy does not need footnotes. you don’t have to earn rest by suffering first. you don’t have to be productive to be worthy of love. imagine that. scandalous. 
          
          to the reader again- if you are here because you feel a little lost, welcome. lost people make the best observers. they notice the light. they notice the way silence can feel kind. i hope this year gives you at least one morning where everything feels possible, even if only for five minutes.
          
          me, please be nicer to yourself. speak to yourself like a beloved character, not a side role meant to struggle quietly. you are not behind. you are not broken. you are unfolding. slowly. beautifully. with many pauses and revisionss.
          

okay… i’ll quit yapping and actually write now. like why am i talking ABOUT writing more than i am writing. what kind of writer is this. very loud. very unproductive. anyway, this is me holding myself accountable. watch me disappear (or come back in 5 mins to yap again).

me: “simple sentence.” 
          my brain: what if we made it poetic and devastating instead
          
          why say “she sat down” when i can say “she folded into the moment” like pls