Chuchay

Dear Wattpad,
          
          Hi, 
          
          I am back. Not from the dead but from my dreadful life. I am 22. Years have passed since I last opened this account. That girl who used to stay up all night reading stories here on Wattpad is now staying up all night getting yelled at by American people who think they are the greatest race in this world. Funny how the world has turned for me. I thought I had it all figured out and planned out, but here I am, nowhere going.  I have always been writing about the unfortunate turns of my life, though I know I am blessed as well. There is more to my life compared to those who have less than I do. However, I cannot prevent myself from thinking that I could've been much more if I dared and worked hard for more. I know I am not blessed with a financially capable family, a role model I can ask advice from, and a privilege I can enjoy, but I know there's a way for me to still feel that I am not living a worthless life. I know there is a way I can do something I want in life. I do not want to become a call center agent; I do not like working at night. I love mornings so much. I love to take my morning walks and swim at the beach at 6 AM, but I cannot do that. I rarely can because I was introduced to an ugly system the moment I reached legality. Oh, how I dread to return to that day and live my life differently.

Oh I miss wattpad.
          
          the old kilig
          the way i imagine my old life
          the life i once have
          the person i once was

Current State Of Mind
          
          We are all in different situations. Some are in a happy place, and others are sadly in an undesirable situation. I felt the latter. The past few weeks have been tough and draining. Though I am not doing much, that is what makes it tough. Even if I want to stay still, I cannot do that anymore. I am not a teenager who has the freedom to be childish. The world has changed since the pandemic hit, but why do I feel like I was left in my pre-pandemic age? I do not understand myself sometimes and make decisions based on impulsivity. My only wish was to get old without regrets. Now, I am not sure if that will ever happen.

I'm trying my best to be consistent here! :)

I don't enjoy school anymore.
          
          The school was my happy place. A place of laughter and tears, sometimes. I used to love going to school and learn from textbooks until I turned 18. Life is so different from what it was before I turn to legality. I have to do things that I don't enjoy and I need to enjoy them to survive. However, I am not finished with my studies. I haven't earned a degree yet. The society that I am living in has a standard that to have a better life, you need to at least have a degree. That notion made me anxious. What if I don't finish school? Will I be able to survive? How would I get my desired job? These questions made me go back to school. But I am not enjoying school anymore and it seems like I am just submitting requirements. What is supposed to be a happy place creeps the hell out of me now. 

Amaiii im overthinking.

Is social media really useful? i dunno but every time i open it it just make me feel less of myself and i cannot help but feel it. Seeing other peoples life and looking at mine. i really cant help it.

This pandemic has made me realize so many things in my life.

Hello Folks!

Im so Dead