ChewyWaffles_

The more I watch the show- the more I wonder what her reaction was to some of these scenes and the more I do is the more I hate myself for it. Is ever going to get better? because it feels like I’ve spent so much of my life working on this one thing- hating it, wanting it, craving, needing it not- needing it, but I haven’t. I haven’t spent my whole life wanting this. I can live without it. I’ve been happy without it until I’m alone… until my thoughts creep. I know she’s not looking and even if she was, she’d be too pissed off to answer and even if she’s not, we both know deep down that she shouldn’t- and that I shouldn’t be posting this. 
          
          And when I wake up in the morning, I’ll totally regret it. I’ll delete this between shoving clothes in my duffel bag and hate myself for even pressing post but at the end of the day, it’ll all round back up to this feeling. 
          
          Why can’t I know what’s best and stick to it? 

I keep expecting her to text me. I want her to kind of. I know it’s weird. 
          
          God why is it so hard to get out of something bad? Why does it always feel so good? I know no one else can help me and only I can help myself and so it makes me feel even shittier. I’m the one who left so I can’t feel this bad but after someone leaves you over and over again and says they’re gonna change and nothing ever changes but you how you feel about it. Things become really exhausting. I can’t spend the rest of my life doing this but God I really really really keep hoping she’ll text me. I keep checking my phone I keep remembering she won’t. It’s over. maybe for real this time.

Someone once told me a true way to get to an avoidant is to not let them get to you. 
          
          I don’t know how true that is but fuck this kind of hurts and fuck I regret it. It makes me wonder how easy it www for her to leave me all those times. She didn’t change for me. Deep in my heart I know she didn’t.