ChoiCraig

Sino ba mas perfect partner ni Persiphy????

cloudwho

Hi @ChoiCraig! I hope you won’t take this the wrong way — this is just an unsolicited review and some constructive feedback.
          
          I just finished reading your story The Witch and the Rich, and honestly, medyo masakit siya sa mata basahin — I mean that in a way na there’s so much potential underneath the rough parts. The grammar errors and inconsistent spacing (like kulang sa spaces or sentences that don’t flow smoothly) can be a bit distracting, but those are things that can easily improve over time with editing and practice. 
          
          Plot-wise, it’s actually very interesting for a fantasy story. At first glance, it feels like a common setup, but as the story goes on, it starts to veer away from the usual clichés, which I really appreciate. The concepts shown on the story itself may be cliche, but I liked how it was tied together. I also liked the use of multiple points of view, although may mga times na parang out of character yung ibang thoughts or actions ng ilang characters. It kind of breaks the immersion, but it’s something that can be refined as you develop their voices more.
          
          For the characterization, I enjoyed seeing some character growth, especially with Lumina and Raffa, but I think you could explore their individuality and motivations deeper. For Lumina, I love her personality and humor — she’s got this unique mix of wit and darkness — but there are moments where I can’t quite take her seriously, maybe because her emotions or intentions aren’t fully fleshed out yet. Raffa, on the other hand, is such a complicated character (sometimes I like him, sometimes I can’t stand him), but that in itself makes him realistic. I just wish the side characters were given more depth, too, since a few of them felt like they were only there to move the plot forward. It's like they are just there because they're characters that need to be mentioned from time to time – a plot device.

ChoiCraig

Thank you ❤️ This is definitely a big help for me and a guide for the stories I'm working on. Appreciated and noted! God bless ❤️
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cloudwho

Sometimes, a story has so much potential, but the impact gets buried under technical issues like grammar errors, awkward flow, or inconsistent formatting. But hey, this is only your first story, but you already have potential. With a little time and practice, I know you'll improve pa. On character writing, make sure each one has a clear voice, purpose, and motivation. Even side characters deserve depth. Hindi sapat na “nandyan lang sila.” Bakit nila ginagawa ‘to? Ano ang gusto nilang makuha? That way, we'll understand their importance. Hindi sila filler lang, binubuhay nila yung mundo na sinulat mo. Also, sa writing don’t be afraid to linger on moments that matter. Kahit gaano kahaba pa yang eksena or what, what matter is maramdaman ng reader na parte sila ng mundong ginagawa mo. 
            
            Remember, growth takes time. Every story is a work in progress — and that’s okay. ❤️
            
            P.S. This is not to discourage you or anything. In my years of reading, you're one of those writers that I really found interesting (I also sent them reviews). I just really had to say these things dahil hindi ako makakatulog if not . I'm looking forward to your stories and how you'll grow as a writer. You have potential. Goodluck 
            
            P.P.S. I studied writing (specifically scriptwriting), and I’m pursuing it professionally, so I hope you don’t mind that my review leans a bit critical. I just wanted to give feedback that could possibly help ☺️
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cloudwho

@cloudwho 
            
            In terms of pacing, I actually like the flow of the writing overall. The story doesn’t drag, and the buildup keeps you curious. Pero may ilang arcs na parang minadali or bitin — they could’ve used a bit more time to breathe and leave an emotional impact. I liked the build-up ng pagpapakilala sa main villain, but it was kinda a letdown na parang ang bilis ng pangyayari. Like the anticipation was there and all, but I feel like I did not even feel like anything about the villain. Hindi na-estalish masyado why the villain was hell-bent on destroying Lumina. Nakulangan ako sa backstiry ng relationship nila and how powerful they really are as entity from another world. I feel like the villain lacked motivation and proper exposure. 
            
            The Witch and the Rich has a strong concept, interesting dynamics, and huge potential. With some polishing on grammar, structure, and character depth, this will do good in the future. You have something really promising here. It just needs a little refining to shine even more.
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