Kurogami18
yo connie are you okay?
Con15con
LN-Not5Sorry6Chat7
:0
Con15con
you know, this exact day, 2 days before my stepfathers birthday, 3 years ago. 5/2/2022 this was the day i planned to die. i had it all set up and was ready to do it. nothing could stop me. and then my sister walked in and nearly saw me. she was crying and needed me. that day i promised myself once everyone stopped needing me, i would end it and finally be at peace. i've fantasized about that day many times. i've nearly broken that promise many times. i've begged myself to break that promise many times. thought about just doing it sooner so many times. but every once in a while i think that i might not ever do it. every once in a while i feel like living might actually be nice. though those moments only ever last for a second or two, they are the most precious moments in my life. even though, just like every other memory i have, i barely remember those moments at all.
Con15con
@LN-Not5Sorry6Chat7 i'm trying not to break it. and also no worries on not replying, half the time i don't even announce these things
LN-Not5Sorry6Chat7
@Con15con dang but good don't break that promise trust me it's worse then death that guilt gonna be there if you break it (this coming from a dude who's just replied after a week this was posted)
Con15con
running and hiding
feeling the thoughts driving me
dancing with the demons that silence me
breathing comes so hard to me
pulling at my hair and scratching at my face
cutting open my skin and trying to erase
erase the part of me that's wrong
erase the parts that were built wrong
erase the uneasy
the scared
the different
erase the me from me
screaming and crying has never done anything
talking has never done anything
lying has never done anything
it only gets worse
so so much worse
with every breath i take i feel lungs fill that shouldn't exist
with every smile i make i feel emotions show that shouldn't exist
with every injury i feel a satisfaction that shouldn't exist
with every near death experience i feel a worry for my life that shouldn't exist
running and hiding has done nothing for me
the thoughts driving me crazy are all i can see
the images of deaths i could have are all i can hear
the feelings of inadequacy and idiocy are all i can smell
the stench of impossibilities is all i can feel
and yet all this pain is impossible to prove to you because i have no proof. there is none. i have no reason to feel this way. i don't even remember the when's this started at or why's. i don't even remember my name sometimes.
maybe that is why our soul cries.
~your suicidal artist
Con15con
@thePJOfificfan thank you. even though it constantly fails, i am trying. i promise you, im trying.
Con15con
@Kurogami18 it's just simply too hard to fight the losing battle everyday and still be to blame for everything. but i do find solace mainly in the dead of night listening to you continue to fight hope is a blooming thing if you understand what i mean.
Con15con
finished talking to them. that was probably the best experience i've had on the helpline chat.
helped me a lot. hopefully it lasts a while.
Con15con
we're talk'n to the suicide lifeline whoo hooo
....life is going great
BookDragonsRULE
@Con15con im sorry that you feel that way but I'm sooooo proud of you for reaching out for help that's incredibly brave
Con15con
guess, guess, guess, and guess again,
you're wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong again,
just throw the towel in, you're never gonna win,
the game is rigged, you never had the chance to win,
play the game, play it again, learn from your mistakes,
keep on going, going, going, and failing again, but never stomp on the brakes,
your chance to win is rigged, you shouldn't of played, not again, never again,
you failed you failed and they won't let to hear the end of it, they think you're stupid again,
play the game, play it now, play the game and guess on what, why, or how,
its rigged, its rigged, and you know you're in for a losing streak now.
Con15con
@Kurogami18 the feeling being too great and known too well, there is no escape to my personal hell, so banking on the thought that words are lies, crying as blood spills but I don't dare shut my eyes, this game is a winners humor and a losers tumor, growing and spilling into every aspect of their life, but feeling as the timer ticks on, i feel the need to play on, pushing and pulling me over a line i shouldn't cross, i believe you and that is what scares me most, but this would be my loss, constantly feeling like a ghost. this game has switched up over time and now its an even worse rhyme, guess, guess, guess, and guess again, but less of a feeling to it, you're wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong again, but what more can there be to it, fear been replaced with humanless numbness, the marks of each loss pulling on me, the string tied round my throat beckoning me across the line, but your words seem so true, and that scares me too, so i bank on the thought that words are lies and yet i don't dare shut my eyes, because deep down i know my thoughts are lies.
Kurogami18
@Con15con your sick of losing and I know that feeling well you feel like you cant escape your own hell "keep playing" they say one more time and then you might win only time we win is just before we're done in that why we find our own way stop playing the games, stop playing spades come with me, I'll show you the way there's a whole world outside of her to enjoy your not just an ace or somebody's toy your our friend and we love you and I pray I'm not too late cause I'd hate to see my friend lay in a grave
LN-Not5Sorry6Chat7
*me doing goku screaming trying to ascend to Super Saiyan*
Con15con
updated my background pic and pfp
for some odd reason my discord pfp wont let me change it though.
i hope you're all having a wonderful day.
death_hunter59
Thanks for following Con!!!