Coolrena

I can’t help but feel like my very existence is a burden causing others to waste their times dealing with my annoying bs
          	
          	I’m so selfish to live
          	
          	I really should die
          	I already destroyed my own life, what’s the point of living anymore at this point?

decaying_blossoms

@Coolrena sometimes I still can't believe it
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cxxyz_c0r3

@Coolrena As I'm writing this, it is May 20, 2024.
          	  Almost 4 years since you passed.
          	  I know we never met, I only just recently joined Hermitcraft and Wattpad. I found your account through the Hermittpad Recap account.
          	  Rest well up there. I hope you're happy now.
          	  Fly High.
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RavenSpiritLin

@Coolrena It's been two years since you left. I recently just joined Wattpad and Hermittpad... I found your account and saw all the kind messages here. I wish I had gotten to talk to you, gotten to know you, gotten to help you. I'm so sorry that I didn't find Hermittpad sooner. From what I've seen, your existence impacted so many people positively. I hope you know that, I hope you're able to see all these messages.
          	  Rest well up there. Happy Year of the Rabbit.
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xXderpy-merpXx

Dear rena,
          
          It will have been six years since you have died at the end of this month. I had nearly forgotten until I checked my calendar app, and I am nearly sickened with myself for it. More and more every year do I feel guilty for how things turned out. I fear that, selfishly, maybe, the nature of our roleplays pushed you further into a bad place of mind, and more and more do I feel disgusted at myself because of it. Every time I think of you, I’m wracked with guilt for the fact that I couldn’t have helped you. I couldn’t have known, really, what you were going through. Still, I’m sorry for the fact that maybe I inadvertently made you feel worse when I could have helped. I’m sorry for not being there when you needed someone. I really hope you’re resting easy and maybe, when I die and if we meet in a place beyond this, I can apologize properly. Thank you for being such an amazing friend.

HermitFan

You are precious. Your existence is precious. Your life is precious. I miss you. You are so loved. You can’t be forgotten. In the afterlife, I want to find your ghost and hug you so hard. I want all our ghosts to come to you and love you and make sure you feel as cherished as you deserved to be. Because you were always worth it. You were worth space and time, you were always worthy of life, nothing you do could change that. I want our ghosts to go to ghost college and get ghost jobs and ghost houses and ghost cars so you could experience the ordinary highs in life we wish you got to experience and smile through and live through and journey through. We love you, I love you, I wish I told you how much you’re cherished you sweet soul oh you sweet precious soul never think for a minute you’re forgotten because who you are in life echoes forever and we adore you

cutecat_forreal

Baby, tomorrow is New Year Eve. It is hard… how can we celebrate all these without you? I ask your brother to bring you Christmas gifts. I wil certainly buy more. I regret so much for not doing that the year when you and your dad spend the Christmas apart from me. I was staying with your brother because he was sick and had to make up for the lesson. But I regret so much… that I did not carefully wrap up gifts for you. 
          
          Baby, I wish I can make up for all the birthday parties that I did not organize. Or all the gifts I did not send out. Every year I was the one who prepare everything and put them under the trees. But I did not that year but since then you are never able to see my gifts prepared for you. Can you baby? Mommy love you so much and miss you so badly.

xXderpy-merpXx

You’d have been 18 this year, Rena. Not much older than me. I can’t believe it’s been five years already. Time’s funny that way, isn’t it? Sometimes I think of you even now. It almost always makes me cry. Maybe that’s what’s eating me up so badly, I remember you, but hardly for the right reasons. The selfish hope that maybe I could have saved you. 
          
          I miss you still, and I really hope you’re at peace, wherever you’re at.

cutecat_forreal

Thank you, @xXderpy-merpXx, nobody will forget Rena. No!  I got her gifts everywhere I go, I brought her with me everywhere I go. I visit her when I am back to home.  And tomorrow is New Year Eve, hard to go to the next year without her. No can not, I will buy her a shirt, for 18. For her college… maybe she can go to UChicago, or her brother’s school, or anyone she likes.
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cutecat_forreal

Happy birthday my baby! Hope you heard our birthday song, heard your brother’s wishes, hope you saw the flowers your dad bought for you, the balloon your aunt bought for you and the flowers, fruit tart and cake mommy bought for you.
          
          Happy Birthday, my baby. Miss you so much….. love you!

Super_Nova44

Hello Rena! I never met you, but occasionally I come by to check on you
          
          I was a fan of your stuff, and I remember looking up to you when I was younger, it's weird to think I'm 18 now. I see how many friends you had, and how many people loved you, and sometimes I wished I could've said something and gotten to know you outside of your work
          
          I hope you know many of us on hermitpad loved you and your stuff, even if you never personally knew some of us

cutecat_forreal

Thank you so much for your very thoughtful and sweet note, @Super_Nova44. Happy 18!
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cutecat_forreal

Baby, I am here talking to you. Wattpad pops up when I am just about to leave. 
          
          Maybe you want to find out more, checking and seeing if anyone still remembers you? 
          
          Maybe you want me to read you some notes left on your wall? 
          
          Anyway, I am here next to you, my baby. Miss you so much.

cutecat_forreal

Baby, 
          
          Many of your PI + friends came visiting you today. They graduated from high school already and would go to different colleges. You could have done that too… what college you would have gone? 
          
          They were visiting Mr. Honer as well. He was both your brother and your favorite teacher, wasn’t him? 
          …….
          Mommy is tearing .. all those beautiful memories. Baby, you know how much I miss you!  
          
          Love you, 
          
          Mom

emu_1123

Hi Rena! This is a new account for anonymity but I just felt like coming and leaving a message. I’m not going to pretend I knew you personally haha, we never even spoke, but your passing left a huge impact on my developing brain. It kind of messed me up to be honest, which is not in any way your fault to be clear. I think about you a lot for someone who wasn’t even your friend.
          
          I’m 20 now. I work in a secondary school. Even the oldest kids there seem so young, you were truly so little. My baby cousin is nearly your age. What the hell.
          
          I’m crying again haha. As I often do. Since you, suicide has been such a huge part of my brain. As a teenager I talked multiple friends down FAR more times than I can count, all the while thinking of you. Am I naive and self important to wonder if I could have talked you down too? Not at my age now, but then. Now, if anyone I care about who I know has even a mild mental illness is having a bad time - even if they’ve never expressed thoughts of suicide - I feel like I can’t breathe. I feel like I can’t help anyone anymore because I just hyperventilate. I’ve told therapists I only got this year about you. That’s how much of an impact you made, I’m sure I’ll think about you for my whole life. You were so important.
          
          I’m sorry you were in so much pain, lovely. I’m sorry that you’re not older than my kids who’ve just finished their final exams this week like you should be.
          
          Love,
          Someone who’s somehow now an adult and who’s brain you are engraved in

cutecat_forreal

Thank you so much for your message. Yes she was really so little. 
            I am crying too, every time I visit her. I wish I could home earlier, I wish I took her with me everywhere I went.. I wish i had called her to check-in … so much I wish could have done. 
            I do wish you could have talked her down. Sometimes yes something small could make a huge difference. Thank you for helping others. And I know this is a lot of work and big commitment, but I know those kids and their parents will appreciate you. 
            Thank you again, Rena’s mom.
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