Coolrena

Hey Rena! It’ll have been six years since you passed today. You’ve been on my mind recently, like you always are this time of year. Recently, thinking about you has reminded me how precious every single aspect of life is. Even the parts that are normally seen as annoying, like school. I remembered that you didn’t get to go to highschool and it shattered my heart. Not to mention college, which I just completed my first year of. I feel a deep sadness when I think of what you were unable to experience. You were such a creative kid. 
          
          My first year of college was difficult and wonderful in all kinds of ways, I’ve learned so much. I’m studying natural resources environmental science, and I love it so so so much. My roommate was amazing and I’m starting to make good friends! I’m savoring this experience and every other one to come. 
          
          Thinking of you makes me feel a deep sadness, and often times a feeling of fear. That was the most terrifying night of my life, and the sensation haunts me. With time, I’ve come to feel a bit of peace with what happened. It’s sad, so so sad in a way I can’t type out. But the fear is lessening. 
          
          I’m glad I got to be a part of something that was so important to you, evil-cinna-bun Rena . It was super important to me, too. You will be in my heart for the rest of my life. One day, when I am super old and pass on, we’ll meet again. Lots of love, from Jillian! (Or PM, as you knew me haha)

I can’t figure out how to log into my old account right now, so here I am on one of my alts. I don’t think you ever even got to know it was me? Or maybe I schemed it with you? I can’t remember now, but I still remember you, Rena.
          
          Six years ago tonight I made the greatest mistake of my life. I told you I would be gone for the evening, and then you were gone for good. Every time I think about you, whether it is days or months apart, I wonder if I had not told you that one thing, could I have prevented this again? I already had two or three times before. I was 13. Neither of us deserved that. 
          
          I know you were so scared of being forgotten. I have not forgotten you. I never will, so long as I can help it. You have changed the trajectory of my life my friend. I have helped others through what I learned with you, and I still am, every day. I have changed other people’s lives because of you and our friendship, I have made friends and stories and art for and about you. But I would give it all back for you to still be here. 
          
          I miss you, my friend. I am doing well now. I have a girlfriend who I love and I still play video games and dungeons and dragons when I can, I still work with horses and I still draw our characters. You still affect my life every day. 
          
          The past is the past, what is done is done. In the words of Kirt Vonnegut; so it goes. You are a weight that I carry with me everywhere, and sometimes it might slow me down but I will always treasure this fact as a gift, and I make sure my life and the lives of people around me are better because of it. 
          
          Goodnight my friend, I miss you dearly
          BlizzardVeteran aka your east coast pal, Blizzard

Baby this weekend six years ago you left your mommy!! 
          
          Mommy felt torn to death that she was not there for you!!! She did not check my phone as usual, thought you were happily preparing for your brother’s birthday party. She thought she was supposed to get home at 7:00pm per instruction by your dad. And she even set alarm for it. 
          
          ….. your mom is dumb. She did not know you were left home by yourself, something she wound never ever do. She was thinking about that day every single minute. Hoping things can turn around? 

I dont know how I could ever get over you. I dont think I ever will.

Dear rena,
          
          It will have been six years since you have died at the end of this month. I had nearly forgotten until I checked my calendar app, and I am nearly sickened with myself for it. More and more every year do I feel guilty for how things turned out. I fear that, selfishly, maybe, the nature of our roleplays pushed you further into a bad place of mind, and more and more do I feel disgusted at myself because of it. Every time I think of you, I’m wracked with guilt for the fact that I couldn’t have helped you. I couldn’t have known, really, what you were going through. Still, I’m sorry for the fact that maybe I inadvertently made you feel worse when I could have helped. I’m sorry for not being there when you needed someone. I really hope you’re resting easy and maybe, when I die and if we meet in a place beyond this, I can apologize properly. Thank you for being such an amazing friend.

You are precious. Your existence is precious. Your life is precious. I miss you. You are so loved. You can’t be forgotten. In the afterlife, I want to find your ghost and hug you so hard. I want all our ghosts to come to you and love you and make sure you feel as cherished as you deserved to be. Because you were always worth it. You were worth space and time, you were always worthy of life, nothing you do could change that. I want our ghosts to go to ghost college and get ghost jobs and ghost houses and ghost cars so you could experience the ordinary highs in life we wish you got to experience and smile through and live through and journey through. We love you, I love you, I wish I told you how much you’re cherished you sweet soul oh you sweet precious soul never think for a minute you’re forgotten because who you are in life echoes forever and we adore you

Baby, tomorrow is New Year Eve. It is hard… how can we celebrate all these without you? I ask your brother to bring you Christmas gifts. I wil certainly buy more. I regret so much for not doing that the year when you and your dad spend the Christmas apart from me. I was staying with your brother because he was sick and had to make up for the lesson. But I regret so much… that I did not carefully wrap up gifts for you. 
          
          Baby, I wish I can make up for all the birthday parties that I did not organize. Or all the gifts I did not send out. Every year I was the one who prepare everything and put them under the trees. But I did not that year but since then you are never able to see my gifts prepared for you. Can you baby? Mommy love you so much and miss you so badly. 

You’d have been 18 this year, Rena. Not much older than me. I can’t believe it’s been five years already. Time’s funny that way, isn’t it? Sometimes I think of you even now. It almost always makes me cry. Maybe that’s what’s eating me up so badly, I remember you, but hardly for the right reasons. The selfish hope that maybe I could have saved you. 
          
          I miss you still, and I really hope you’re at peace, wherever you’re at.

Happy birthday my baby! Hope you heard our birthday song, heard your brother’s wishes, hope you saw the flowers your dad bought for you, the balloon your aunt bought for you and the flowers, fruit tart and cake mommy bought for you.
          
          Happy Birthday, my baby. Miss you so much….. love you! 

Hello Rena! I never met you, but occasionally I come by to check on you
          
          I was a fan of your stuff, and I remember looking up to you when I was younger, it's weird to think I'm 18 now. I see how many friends you had, and how many people loved you, and sometimes I wished I could've said something and gotten to know you outside of your work
          
          I hope you know many of us on hermitpad loved you and your stuff, even if you never personally knew some of us