@Coolrena
You’d have been 18 this year, Rena. Not much older than me. I can’t believe it’s been five years already. Time’s funny that way, isn’t it? Sometimes I think of you even now. It almost always makes me cry. Maybe that’s what’s eating me up so badly, I remember you, but hardly for the right reasons. The selfish hope that maybe I could have saved you.
I miss you still, and I really hope you’re at peace, wherever you’re at.
Happy birthday my baby! Hope you heard our birthday song, heard your brother’s wishes, hope you saw the flowers your dad bought for you, the balloon your aunt bought for you and the flowers, fruit tart and cake mommy bought for you.
Happy Birthday, my baby. Miss you so much….. love you!
Hello Rena! I never met you, but occasionally I come by to check on you
I was a fan of your stuff, and I remember looking up to you when I was younger, it's weird to think I'm 18 now. I see how many friends you had, and how many people loved you, and sometimes I wished I could've said something and gotten to know you outside of your work
I hope you know many of us on hermitpad loved you and your stuff, even if you never personally knew some of us
Baby, I am here talking to you. Wattpad pops up when I am just about to leave.
Maybe you want to find out more, checking and seeing if anyone still remembers you?
Maybe you want me to read you some notes left on your wall?
Anyway, I am here next to you, my baby. Miss you so much.
Baby,
Many of your PI + friends came visiting you today. They graduated from high school already and would go to different colleges. You could have done that too… what college you would have gone?
They were visiting Mr. Honer as well. He was both your brother and your favorite teacher, wasn’t him?
…….
Mommy is tearing .. all those beautiful memories. Baby, you know how much I miss you!
Love you,
Mom
I am here sitting next to where you are resting. Talking to you, my baby. Do you hear me? Do you feel my love? Do you know how much I love you and miss you?
Love you my baby, can you come to my dream?
Hi Rena! This is a new account for anonymity but I just felt like coming and leaving a message. I’m not going to pretend I knew you personally haha, we never even spoke, but your passing left a huge impact on my developing brain. It kind of messed me up to be honest, which is not in any way your fault to be clear. I think about you a lot for someone who wasn’t even your friend.
I’m 20 now. I work in a secondary school. Even the oldest kids there seem so young, you were truly so little. My baby cousin is nearly your age. What the hell.
I’m crying again haha. As I often do. Since you, suicide has been such a huge part of my brain. As a teenager I talked multiple friends down FAR more times than I can count, all the while thinking of you. Am I naive and self important to wonder if I could have talked you down too? Not at my age now, but then. Now, if anyone I care about who I know has even a mild mental illness is having a bad time - even if they’ve never expressed thoughts of suicide - I feel like I can’t breathe. I feel like I can’t help anyone anymore because I just hyperventilate. I’ve told therapists I only got this year about you. That’s how much of an impact you made, I’m sure I’ll think about you for my whole life. You were so important.
I’m sorry you were in so much pain, lovely. I’m sorry that you’re not older than my kids who’ve just finished their final exams this week like you should be.
Love,
Someone who’s somehow now an adult and who’s brain you are engraved in
Thank you so much for your message. Yes she was really so little.
I am crying too, every time I visit her. I wish I could home earlier, I wish I took her with me everywhere I went.. I wish i had called her to check-in … so much I wish could have done.
I do wish you could have talked her down. Sometimes yes something small could make a huge difference. Thank you for helping others. And I know this is a lot of work and big commitment, but I know those kids and their parents will appreciate you.
Thank you again, Rena’s mom.
Hi Rena! It’s that day again, and I’ve been thinking about you a lot. It’s been five years now, which feels both way too long and nowhere near long enough.
I’m 18 now! Heading off to college this fall, and it still hurts to know you won’t be doing the same. I’ve been able to make much more peace with this hurt lately. For the longest time when I thought of you I could only feel pain, but I’m able to remember our happy times now, too. We all had a lot of fun together!
Your life ended too soon, it was a tragedy and I’ll be carrying that weight with me for the rest of my life. I’m glad to of known you nonetheless. I’m glad you knew me, and that we could be there for each other where we could. And your absence reminds me to savor the time I have with the people I love.
I hope you’re well, evil-cinna-bun Rena.❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
@Poultry_Man_ sorry, yes I was misled by the name. I remember I emailed you before. If I can not locate your email can I get it again? I want to Thank you for being so kind and sweet to Serena.
@cutecat_forreal Haha I’m actually a girl! No worries though, I know with my username saying “man” it can be easy to forget. And thank you for your kind words, it means a lot to me to hear that from you.
Thank you, @Poultry_Man_ . You are such a wonderful boy! I am sure Rena would be so happy that you are still here for her. I hope you can come see us. Congratulations on your college! I hope you enjoy your college life.
Today is a special day - for my Serena. She has physically left her mommy five years, even though never a day do I not miss her.
This article was written during my GMP program. But i will share today for her. Though i wish I could have saved her. I wish she could have held on. After all, Covid lockup was done just one day away! Very soon she could have gone back to her favorite school… she could have graduated her high school by now and ready for her college…she could have joined me to celebrate for her dearest brother. …
I wrote this down for my baby. Because she always stood up for others and would want me to do this for others because of her.
********
“Saturday, April 19 marked a powerful moment for the Harvard Business School GMP program — our turn to act.
David Zucker, our coach from Aerial Group, had already prepared the stage for our living group. After warming us up with a series of exercises — speaking with presence, using sensory details, pausing, and short phrases — he asked us to share a life story that changed us.
Memories came flooding back — vivid, heavy, even traumatic. But I chose one that deeply shifted how I view education.
“It’s a June afternoon in 2020.”
A message pops up on my Wattpad — a platform where thousands of young writers connect and share stories during COVID.
“I want to kill myself, but how? Can you tell me?”
My heart sinks. I can hear it pounding — pang, pang. In a panic, I click on his profile, trying desperately to reach him.
“Never again,” I whisper to myself. In the preceding months, at least three young writers — including my own — lost their lives to depression, isolation, anxiety, school closures, and a lack of support during the pandemic.
Baby,
Remember the small Happy Mother’s Day gift you sent me? “It is not about the gift, but who and why I sent it.” - you wrote on a piece of wrapping paper.
Love you, my baby. Yes it is about who and why you sent it.
I miss every single day, my baby!
- Mom