You also skipped chapters, A Whole Lot! And that made it hard to read and understand the story properly. Even the numbering of the chapters weren't in appropriate order. The listing was way off as well!
Fourthly, sometimes you get the names of the cast or characters wrong. You either say the right name at the wrong time, or you say the wrong name at the right time, which ever you prefer. You also misspelt a couple of names, which had me wondering if they were another person.
Fifthly, you as well repeated a few things. Like the chapters, only to leave the numbering unchanged. Some scenes were also repeated differently. And a few paragraphs and pages were copied, in the different chapters.
Sixthly, There are way, way, Like WAY.. too many paragraphs in this story. It was like.. after each sentence there was another paragraph, which is wrong by the way. And some things or sentences that were supposed to go together, weren't, because of this mistake.
Seventhly, when you want to leave a message at the end of a chapter, you HAVE to give a couple of lines / spaces for clarity purposes! You didn't, by the way, which was also wrong.
Basically, after the first half of the story, the mistakes just kept on getting more obvious. And each one was worse than the last!!!
So please, I hope that you rectify all of them before you lose some readers.
I almost didn't read this story after reading it's title, a was prejudiced about it but decided to keep my opinions to myself and give it a chance but of course, you have to listen to your heart and mind and trust your gut because needless to say, I was quite disappointed with this result.
This is why it's good to re-read a story before sending it out or posting it. And even if mistakes are discovered after the post, you could just edit and correct them. You could also drop an 'Author or writer's note' if you're worried the viewers may take it the wrong way.
