If someone actually reads this, that's nice ig.
I feel sick, I feel tired, I feel like crying my eyes out. I need to rant. I need a break.
I was thinking about going back to school, thinking about the people there, I don't want to. I like my friends but I also hate them. My class is terrible. I've got too high expectations to be able to take it easy. How am I meant to get higher than 90-95% on tests when I can barely keep myself together?
I can't talk to anyone, like try talk about your problems to the problems. It won't help. I'm seen as 'responsible' and 'mature' so I can't even get a break outside of school.
My parents are nice but they are very anti gay, anti trans, basically old fashioned. Even dyed hair, piercing and tattoos are seen as terrible. They comment on other people's features that I would love to have, like a small tattoo or multiple piercings or short hair on girls. And I can't say I like it or I'm weird.
It's the same with gay couples, or trans people we see in public. Seeing them makes me happy, but my parents and brother disgusted. Is there something wrong with it? Am I wrong for thinking that maybe I'm not as straight as I thought? That I think I might like girls too, not just boys?
Worst thing is I don't even know if I want them to be proud of me or if I want to disappoint them so I can be myself. I've been jumping across that line for ages now.
Why am I like this? Why can't I know myself at least. Not be a weird broken girl. Why does everyone think I'm so independent that I don't need help? I'm just too afraid to ask for it, I still want help.
I need someone to talk to, a therapist, a friend, anyone. Someone that doesn't mind listening to a broken apart mentally teen rant. I need someone to care for me.
If someone actually read this ily❤. It makes the tear stains on my pillow worth it.
