Helena

Why why why why why why

5 hours of sleep really f*cked me up. Insanely drained. The voices in my mind going feral.

Feels like there's a silent war in my head every. damn. day. So who the hell's winning? You have no reason to be in my mind. You have no right to intervene. You have no excuse to be here. Why are you here and what do you want? What did you do to me? Are you thinking about me too?

My love is great, my love is pure and my love is unimaginably profound. So what is stopping me from loving him the way i should? Was i not ready? Did i rush? how many times do i have to myself that "it's the right person at the wrong time?" because i know that is not true at all. He is the one and i know it. I feel it in my bones and deep in the abyss of my saddened heart that he is the one for me. So why do i get this sinking feeling in my stomach that he's not gonna be here when the time comes? is it fear? is it insecurity? is it the lack of affection that i'm unable to display? God help me. Give me a sign. Let me know that this is just a test. I feel inhumane and treacherous. What did you plan for me?

What am i so sad about? What exactly am i looking for? I keep thinking about people i shouldn't be thinking about and God, it feels sinful. It feels horrible. What do i want? or worse and wrong, who do i want? This fucking God-awful feeling that left me pondering for days on end. What is wrong with me and why do i feel like this? it's disgusting and it disturbs me, my peace, my sanity and my soul. I can't tell anyone about this.