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Hey Daniel, I wonder how you have been, it’s been a while. I have not gotten better even if I have tried to convince myself I have  I have been lying to myself. I miss you so much. So so much. I have therapist now, isn’t that crazy? Well technically it’s a school counselor but it’s the same thing. Next year I’m starting my NEET prep. I don’t remember how long it has been since I have talked to you. A year? Or two? I can’t remember, but it’s hard, hard to live. I’m doing it though, somehow.

do you see, how everything is falling apart? can you feel how I'm falling apart? I hope you can. I wonder if your pain was like this dan, because if it was, I'm so sorry, I'm really truly sorry. I hate myself for making you think that you weren't worth it, I didn't intend to make you feel like that, I was very scared and I had no idea what to do. It's way too late for anything hmm? I wonder if you can see my future, I wonder how it looks like

Hey love, I hope you're doing good, I decided that maybe it's best i disappear for a while, lol, i'm not even going to school for a couple of weeks. Don't miss me too much <3 love you

3 more days. Do me a favor and give them nightmares about me bashing their face if they don't wish me? I met a guy, okay I'm lying, I've known him for a few weeks now. He's so sweet, and I don't know, but when I'm with him I feel like I could tell him everything. Only thing is he's not a christian. But I'm done daniel, I'm done trying to follow my mom's stupid rules thinking that her grandkids won't get a taste of her orthodox mindset. One day, if I ever fall in love with someone who's not a christian, I'm fine with it, I will just talk to my uncle about it, ask him if he thinks religion was the problem of his marriage. I wish I could ask my aunt if she ever regretted marrying a hindu, but I can't, because she's dead. You know my family blamed her death on the fact that she had a inter religion marriage. They said that her death was the punishment god gave her for marrying a hindu. I will always hate them for that. It's been 4 years since she died. I never got to see her baby till now, pretty sure she's going to start school next year. Anyway, I have to go. I love you dan <3

you know, my birthday is coming soon...I just realized you never got to wish me 'happy birthday'

Hey danie, I hope you're doing well. Do you remember our last conversation? You should really go through with it right now, it's like, the most perfect timing. Do you think I'm making the wrong choice? I don't think I am..I hope I'm not. I don't want to feel like a hoe again. You made me feel like a princess, a queen, why should I settle for a 'hoe', it's not good enough

You know, when you said 'you'll be the death of me', I never took it seriously

It's getting closer...It's only been a year, but it feels like it's been forever. I want to say that I've moved on, that I've met my other half, but I haven't. I've drowned myself in a bunch of shit trying t forget about you, but it doesn't work. I'm supposed to have let go by now, right? I try to be okay, I've met new people...apparently a lot of people like the thought of me? but I only like the thought of you..As the months fly away, it doesn't go away, I'm afraid, I'm so scared because I want to be able to move on, I want to be able to have the capacity to love someone like I love you. It's only getting harder and I am yet to get used to it at this point I'm convinced it's not me holding on, but you. You'd find me crazy of how many things, how many people I've met to try and get rid of the thought of you. I wish I could be one of those people who say they've moved on. But oh, it's so easy, to say it. I lie to myself everyday, but I can feel my heart ripping into shreds, I can feel the ache and it is because of you. I know I will find someone to love again danie..but I'm afraid if I will have anything left of me when I find him.  When I look at babies, I remember our conversations of them, when I see my cousins slowly getting married I remember us and it sucks Daniel. I've tried to tell the closest people of this ache I have  for you, but I can't bring myself to..sometimes I wish that this was not real, that this was all fake, because deep down, my heart believes that. I don't want to be jealous of people, because I know one day I will have all these things...I'm jealous because I want someone who I wouldn't  trade for you, I want someone who will love me more than you have, someone who will not only love me, but live for me I don't want to love a second choice, it makes me feel pathetic. God  knows that you were and are my first choice, but I don't want it to be like that forever. I want to accept that you're gone, and I will never be able to see those eyes ever

For the times I have cried for you and with you, laughed with you, smiled with you, screw that, even laughed AT you, you have made my life so much better, you gave me hope that yes there is someone for me that loves me so much, for the time you told me, 'babe America is so good for your future, why doesn't you parents not want you to study here?' we all knew you just wanted to be in my arms, and also, for the times when you told me your deepest and darkest secrets, for the times I wish I would get you back soon, for the times I would whine when I see your almond shaped eyes, and your pretty fluffy hair, and for those, I don't know how, soft pink lips of yours , for the times you believed in me when I didn't think I could make my parents proud, for the times you helped me understand things I couldn't. For the times you helped me believe I could live FOR someone, and love someone, you really made me someone else, I was willing to change my whole self for you, for the time you begged me to come online and for the times I weren't there for you, for the times I almost spilled your name to random strangers or my family, for the times you made my heart burst when you said 'I love you princess', for the times you wanted to love me but couldn't because of our oh-so crazy family, for the times you said I should never cry because my tears are so precious, for the times you gave me the best mornings and nights, for the nights you have given me the  most peaceful sleep, for the times you have made me love myself, and for the times I bet right now you would tell me 'You are so cute that I want to hide you in my pocket', I will move on, I will live, I will smile again, eventually, I will love again, but we all know, that my love, you will always steal my heart just the moment I think of you, god don't make me cry now,

there is this quote by an Arab poet that is so sweet
          
          
          “In the summer
          
          I stretch out on the shore
          
          And think of you.
          
          Had I told the sea
          
          What I felt for you,
          
          It would have left its shores,
          
          Its shells,
          
          Its fish,
          
          And followed me.”