I have an intense fear of returning to how I was back when I had bad anger issues. I hate my family, I hate every single one of them, but I don't want to hurt or scare them again. My whole life I was called a monster by EVERYONE, I was neglected emotionally and sometimes physically, no one wanted to be around me and when they did it was forced. I hated it, every single second. Everytime my parents told everyone to ignore and leave me alone, every hit, every argument, every tear. They wonder why I'm so closed off, why I can't trust people, why I act the way I do. Im scared. I hate all of them, I could live without them, I couldnt live with the thought of hurting them all over again.
Maybe I am a monster, maybe I should iust run away and hide from the world all over again, maybe I deserved everything. If it's the only way to keep everyone safe, then so be it. I don't deserve love, I don't deserve the affection of others, it's a blessing I would have never wished for in a thousand years, it's a blessing I wouldnt ever want to give up.
I want to be myself, my true self, I wish I didn't have so many mental or physical issues, I wish I was a normal loving kid with a normal loving family, I wish I wasn't something people feared.
Maybe I want love, but I know it's something I probably will never have. My family is dead to me, I wish I knew how to fix things, but I don't know how to fix over a decade with of pain, I don't know if things will ever be the same. Friends come and go, sadly, I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust again, I try I try so hard, but I get broken so easily. I do my best to love all of you, I really do love all of you, but I don't know if my life is real, or just a long drawn out nightmare.
