Dan

And i have got you a free edit on your story but i won't like to drop it here on comment, if you can give me your contact to forward it there to you

Hi, Dansand i've been waiting for your response back. I hope you continue chat with me there

Hi Dansand, I finished reading the chapter again and again, it’s very engaging. Keane’s internal conflict is clear and consistent throughout, and the emotional tension builds nicely, especially in the quiet walking scenes and pauses between dialogue. The contrast between what he wants to say and what he actually says works well and feels believable.
          
          A few small notes you might consider
          There are a couple of tense shifts early on (for example, moving between “As I walk” and past tense) that could be smoothed for consistency.
          
          Some internal thoughts repeat the same idea (pretending, holding back, chest tightening). They’re effective, but trimming one or two could make the pacing even stronger.
          
          Dialogue flows naturally, though adding a brief action beat in a few spots could help ground the conversations physically.
          
          The ending is solid and emotionally heavy, it clearly sets up anticipation for what comes next without feeling rushed.
          
          Overall, the chapter does a good job showing emotional restraint and unresolved tension. With a bit of tightening for clarity and flow, it’ll read even more smoothly.
          
          you can let continue and let me explain more on gmail if you're not comfortable here.

Hi Dansand, I just finished reading and checking the chapter one  you told me to read, and I really loved how you captured Keane’s emotions his internal struggle and the tension with Dannielle felt so vivid. The small gestures, like their accidental touches and the way he notices her expressions, really make the reader feel his heartache.I can help you highlight the moments that hit emotionally, suggest ways to make the tension or pacing even stronger, and give feedback without changing your voice.

Hi, I really enjoyed this opening  the college setting, the Taglish inner monologue, and Keane’s quiet frustration all felt very familiar in a good way. If you ever want, I’d be happy to be a beta reader in a light, supportive way. I focus on reader reaction, flow, and emotional clarity pointing out moments that hit hard, spots that could be smoother, and where tension or longing really shines, without changing your voice or “fixing” your choices. Your story already has heart,  my goal is just to help it land even more strongly with readers.