Hello, how are you? I hope you’re well. By the way, I don’t know how old you are or the ages of the readers. I’d like to give you a suggestion. First of all, I’m not criticizing the story or the fanfic at all. I just want to give you some advice to help keep readers engaged. Personally, I and others enjoy a story that develops slowly, but not too slowly—just with a good balance.
What do I mean? You could start by having the protagonist celebrate her birthday, with her friends helping her find decorations for the party. Later, Alan could arrive, and you could build the scene there. For example, Alan could be surprised when he sees her, arrives at the party, notices the protagonist, is taken aback by how beautiful she looks, and so on.
The point is that there’s no need to jump directly to things. It doesn’t have to be like, “it’s her birthday, Alan calls her, and they immediately have a romantic scene,” if you know what I mean. The idea is to build up that part gradually, with subtle details.
Also, sometimes readers might get confused with the dialogues about who’s speaking. So, each time there’s a dialogue, you could separate the lines and indicate who is speaking, along with what they’re doing. Honestly, I got a little confused at first because I wasn’t sure who was talking.
