Nolongerdreamin'

Have you ever had a day when you didn't want to get out of the bed?
          How about me? — Always

*continuing the previous message*
          I went through an imense amount of f**king trauma so I know what it feels like and that's why I don't want to become the same as the people i detested
          I hope I didn't influence him in any bad way so that I don't have to blame myself
          I'm not a "blaming myself" freak - it's just that I still feel a little guilty about it
          I don't know if I should judge myself
          I also don't want to make an "always sobbing victim" out of myself
          I just don't want to see the shaky border between the relative good and relative bad disappear right in front of me, be a blind spot in my sight
          I want to forget all I went through, every painful memory, but, if I do, I will repeat all my mistakes, and not only that - most important - I might even become an unhinged rage macine* (* - highlighting) that doesn't care about others neither itself* (*- highlighting) - 'cause it doesn't have a heart, a feel, a sense of will/unwill, of worth/unworth, any feel of existence and a sense of being, unlike humans

The thing is that I had a one sided "relationship" (from his side) but the boy was kinda suicidal before and clearly had mental health problems 
          Epilogue:
          I saw someone sent me a message on pdbee and we started chatting (in August/September)
          Two weeks of chatting (usually skipping 1-2 days) passed (school started already) and he asked me to go out
          Well, I said "no" indirectly by inventing reasons (cause bro it's just a few weeks) and we exchanged numbers
          Started chatting on viber (still in English even though we were from the same city and decided to speak our language)
          He asked me out during the fall break and we went to an abandoned theatre
          Well, it was my first time in such a place but it was bright outside so I wasn't afraid
          We explored it and saw many other random teens chillin and also a lot of graffiti and artworks, messages, etc
          But he was always so close to me end even hold me around my waist like we were literally dating, even though we agreed to just meet and maybe be friends + when I was going home, he insisted on going with me at least until we reach the place we met the first time
          About a week passed and when he once texted me "hi, how are you doing" I just blocked him because I didn't feel anything for him romantically and I was relieved that I don't need to always check my phone anymore for his messages and reply about how I genuinely feel and listen to what he tells me too
          Now, I want to clarify that he's not a bad person and he supported me, but I wasn't attracted to him at all and for some reason was afraid of telling him about that
          Maybe I didn't want him commit suicide (cause he told me he had a girlfriend that almost made him do that because she betrayed him or something, but he was going to a therapist and drank antidepressants) or maybe I just didn't want to spend my energy on him (how I said earlier)
          Anyway, I'm afraid I might be the reason he dies (or already am) or at least gave him some trauma

Bro I just read real Dazai's biography (in my native language of course) and also watched a video called something like 'bsd is about mental health / depression' that had almost 10 minutes (saying it in case you find it) and it summed up pretty good the causes of Dazai's depression 
          And
          Well
          Bro I relate way too much (of course I didn't kill people; I hope at least)

No longer dreaming 
          Actually living through shit