Orchid

Sup y’all! I’m 20 now. I’m also.. going by dead dove orchid again. Huh. Looking back at this profile again and oh, different times they were. I’ve grown. I’ve changed. I still write messed up stuff. But I have people in my life who care abt me regardless. Things get better. May do a deep-dive over everything here later but uh, not right now. Stay safe y’all, you are loved and cared for, even if you don’t realize ♡ 

Wow, it’s been a while. Coming back to maybe redo some of my old fics? Aka the Hermitcraft one I never posted, and maybe the Sans!AU thing I took down. I had cool ideas, in all fairness, despite the abundance of angst and sadness in all my stories. 

Y’all I just wrote 2k words for Can You Hear Me? My Sanders Sides fic. I’m wondering if I should split it up into two chapters or just have one long chapter. I’m thinking the former tbh. I’m having emotions and I just vented it all out on these poor characters oof. 
          
          Also I’m having trouble with ships right now. I just kind of threw Emile into the mix in this new chapter, and I’m curious if he should join Roman x Patton, or join Remus x Logan x Damion (Deceit). Thoughts? I’m kinda leaning to the latter lmaooo 

Don’t want to spam my friends or my tumblr so this is going here :)
          
          Today I’ve been having a whole lot of anxiety. Like, that I’m not doing good enough and I’m letting people down. I did my best to do my schoolwork diligently, I spent 3 whole hours doing the dishes (which were covered with glitter and soap since my mom has recently been making soap to sell), and I just now took a bath for like, hygiene reasons. But it doesn’t feel good enough. I feel like I could have done more today. Part of that reason is that I decided to skip out on updating my fanfic, a crossover whump fic I’ve been posting to ao3 and tumblr about two book characters I’ve been hyperfixating on, today. I promised to post a chapter every Wednesday, but I was feeling down in the dumps all week so I didn’t get to work on chapter 4. And now it’s late and I know I should sleep but I want to do stuff? I want to do more dishes, I want to tidy up, I want to draw stuff people other than me will enjoy, ugh it’s so frustrating. 
          
          Anyway I’m vent over bye. 

“Your sister is lucky to be alive. If she wasn’t wearing a seatbelt, she’d be dead.” 
          
          Excuse me don’t say it like that 

On our way to pick sis up from friends and she was in a wreck. They're still an hour and a half away from us so we have to drive that long to take her home. I feel like crying. 

Self-care is putting painkillers and clean gauze on your wounds and not peeling off the flaky scabs to only elongate the healing process ✊
          
          Side note sunburns suck-

Holy crap I’m tryna draw a menacing pose and I realize I’m drawing the exact same pose as the cover on my most popular fic holy crap gjgjsghhjjgghhhhhj

Me: ok I’m doing productive stuff! Drawing! Writing! Animating! Can have happy chemical?? :>
          
          Brain: no 
          
          Me: ok I’ll do something else,, watch fave youtubers! Read books! Brainstorm ideas! Happy chemical???
          
          Brain: no
          
          Me: ok I’ll talk to ppl! Spend time with loved ones! Be a better sister! Happy chemical please?????
          
          Brain: no 
          
          Me: haha ok,,,,
          
          (Aka why oh why have everything been feeling so dull as of late? Why can’t my efforts be rewarded with something other than emptiness, guilt and sleeplessness?)
          
          

Me at 12:45: ok imma sleep gn 
          
          Me, toss and turns, checks clock, thinking it might be 1:10, sees it is 1:30 and I’ve just spent 45 minutes hopelessly trying to sleep: :0