For the longest time, I was trapped under the brick of 'undeserved'. The word 'deserve' was so important to me that I rejected affection, love , care that were offered to me in ways more than one or if I accepted, then only on surface. I thought about waiting...doing..being something who could be worthy of being born..or gaining offered love or kindness. Turns out it was a doomed goal when I was already hell bent on regarding ny regrets of past as irredemable or eternal taint.
So now I am no longer caring about morality of my acceptance and just wish to do all that remains due and imdulge in as many laughs with others as I can before final collapse.
This is not to say deserving or worth is no longer important to me but it is no longer impediment to my choice of taking action. Maybe I am wrong as I think I am always...but I shall gladly accept its repurcussion in future ...better than forsaking existence entirely .