*✧˖ ✵*Nova*✧˖ ✵*

The fiver years have started again, well move like 4 years I had paused it thing I would be ok, that I was getting better but nothing ever gets better. it all keeps getting worse and worse, I've genuinely lost it nothing feels real everything has its catch. and everything's got wrongs. I ruin everything I ever do. I can't do anything right. I hate this I hate having to act like everything's ok. I hate having to act like I still am able to go on I want it to end I want to get better ut NOTHING HELPS. I want to just feel better so desperately to stop this suffering within myself. I need to puke everthying my entire being torn into pieces. I hate myself and always will I feel bad for those who genuinely care for me. I envy how they could see any good I=withing me. Me someone who has hurt so many. Me who hasn't been able to do anything right in years. Me who lives just to please others. Me who will never find my path in life. IM SO DONE. If anyone ever finds this please tell me how to get better however I bought anyone will find this within the time frame ive set myself, this is more of a way to document my self, im sorry to you who is reading my misery. It must sound so pathetic. Just as I am, It must seem stupid and Like im the most idiotic person ever and im sorry. I need I just need things to end.

Its august 15, and Im not well,, school started again and god am i stressed i got a part time job ive pushed away almost all my friends i feel nauseous half the time im outside, and things have just been getting bad again. Nothing seems right i want to get help i was supposed to i was supposed to get better why am i not better what did i do to not be better what is my issue why can i understand this its so annoying i need to be better i need to be what people need i need to be their dog their rug i need to be what they need, I cant handle this. WHY AM I LIKE THIS SOMEONE PLEASE JUST SOMEONE help me im so tired of this when will i have the chance to heal. Someone please put me under medication make the stuff numb i can do this GOD IM SUCH AN AWFUL PERSON WHO AM I im an not myself. Ill never be myself, i am none i could never be mysrlf im a broken mirror of who i am the only person who truly knows me is none it doesnt matter it wont matter i wanna vomit. Can invomit someone piece me together make me myself find my within this pile of litter i cant do this by myself ill never be myself the person i was long ago happy and care free,, my own person not this amalgamation of nothing,, who am i what am i am i even real, why

Why am I so violent i don’t understand it. I dint want to be like this but I don’t think i could and will never change. I push people away for a reason. Im abusive and mean, im manipulative and self centered im so violent. I want to end this and if the only way is with doing something to myself then i will. I don’t understand any of this, I don’t want to hurt people, but i provoke all of them I’ve never one not been the once to cause the stuff around me. I am messed up and play as i am getting better but I’ll never be better and i know it. Even this message is messed up because its so guilt trippy and made to make people feel bad for me none should like me none should feel bad for me ever, because i am the problem i always have been and always will be.

Hello today is June 6 2024, I go by the name Nova on here, and I’ve been doing better. My previous posts have rather concerning subjects but id like to say i am getting help! After a heavy struggle of pulling through and reaching out i did it, and i can say life is way better now. Sure i still have those days that i feel awful hut i think im healing. I got into a lovely relationship with one of the most amazing guy, i realized who was my real friends and who was not and over all I’ve been getting better!! It took me so long to actually feel as if i was worth it but i did it, and its funny because i thought i would have back fired on myself way sooner and i though life wouldn’t get good again yet here i stand corrected, and i hold so much love for the ability to see in a clearer light then before. Im aware there will still be many hard days to come but i think ill be able to face them, after all I’ve survived 100% of my bad days so far. And i kinda hope to keep it that way. Any who until next time dear reader please drink water.

I hate this I have none, im such a burden aren't I. Ive only ever wanted friends who would have stayed by my side but ive got none. None takes the time to message me, talk to me, or even come make plans with me. Maybe I should just push everyone out again. I mean none has taken to time to talk to me in months im always the one making the conversations maybe I should just shut up. Maybe im annoying. I hate that I feel like this. I'll never be able to keep friends. I'll never be normal ever again. I hate this I think ill hate this forever.

First post of 2024 and wow i just its been a bit but in all honesty nothing really important has happened in my life. Emotions are all weird some days but others i feel completely normal? OH I KNOW!! One of my best friends for like years now came to visit me not to long ago and im so happy we got to see each other in person! I also went over to some of my friends house for the break! Im pretty sure ive passed the first semester? But thats really it! Ive meet tones of cool people over these couple of months but none i can call a lover yet sighhh maybe ill have a partner by the end of the year fingers crossed maybe!!

Five years

      Life update time!! So um life’s been ok I guess. Slowly but surely I’ve made new friends re gained some friends, gained a crush, I feel better. I guess thats always a good thing no? I’ve found myself smiling about nothing and everything, and it brings me so much relief life’s gone almost completely back to normal. Sure i hate some things still and some nights i still hurt but! Im better, at least it doesn’t hurt to think about them as much as it did some months ago. 
              Yesterday was Halloween and i didn’t go out bc i end up getting sick so that a bummer, but- my siblings gave me some of their candy at the end and that was nice. I don’t think ill be trick or treating next year either, but it’ll be ok. 
            I also um confessed how i felt to someone yesterday and they didn’t feel the same way. Sure it hurt way to much, but it’ll be ok! It was sorta silly of my to have confessed anyways, but im alright at least in the moment of writing this, probably will cry later but oh well. So yeah thats the life update!!

I hate my life, Ive just lost my closest friend of 5 yrs and idk what to do. I want to rip myself apart i feel like im going to vomit. I dont want to be here anymore can i die can the world stop going this to me i think im going to pass out i hate all of this.

Been a while since i updated so hello Internet! It is 11:15 on a school night currently i should be asleep but im awake instead. Schools been in for a couple of weeks now but honestly it wasn’t as bad as i thought it would be. So far number of break downs I’ve had a school has only been 2 which isn’t that bad. Ive been feeling much better and have finally over come a lot of difficult mental challenges, and im happy. Its sorta amazing how happy I am? Im planning on sticking with my amazing club called environment club, but its just Gardening club called something fancy. So far I’ve become more confident with myself and I actually joined the class the teacher wanted me in! We also have this whole new schedule thing that on certain days we only go to a number of classes but they are longer so guhh.. BUT! Its fine. I have a couple of classes with friends and im content. The kids haven’t said anything yet so that cool, I also think im in mutual terms with one of them? Like we acknowledge each other and only interact when we really need too but other then that its like dead line. But yeah thats my life update! Oh I’ve also started opening up more and who knew being social was this fun! Its been years since i was the one to do the first interactions it was nice to open up to people and be my light hearted with them, anyways im also thinking about writing and working on a short film? Been seeing a lot of short films recently and I think i could write a pretty good short film anywho, if you read all of that wow ty? But Good night internet!! <33