Hey, your story is unique in it's own way. I can tell you have the creative eye. But the structure of the paragraphs, and dialogue could be improved as well as the punctuation, grammar, and spelling.
I liked your style but your writing could've been filled with more emotions, deep inside the character's head to understand and feel for her deeply. You should glide deeper into her mind and make your descriptions more vivid and in depth. Also, try to make the pace slower at the right moments like when you're telling what happened in the past and the emotional moments. Don't be afraid to take your time, along with making your characters more complex and real.
You're talented and you're good. I hope you know that ;)
