Koda

Happy 14th birthday, Kiley. I know you probably will never see this, but I'm still gonna write it. At least it will give me some hope.. That maybe we'll be able to see each other again..
          I'm sorry I can't be there for your birthday. I hope you know that it's not my fault, and that I still love you and want to be there for you. You're the best little sister I've ever have. My foster siblings can't compare. Though I know that we had different experiences with our abusive parents, we've both been through a lot.  And I hope you can endure it long enough to move out. I miss you so fucking much. I'd do anything to see you again. On behalf of my parents, I apologize for not being able to see you. I'm sorry that our parents are so batshit crazy that they will call the cops if me or my foster family tries to contact to you. I plan to ask my judge on my next court date if he can do anything about it. It's really fucking sad that I have to do this considering that my court order saids that I should be allowed to visit you at least once a month. 
          If you end up running away like I did, I want you to know that I wouldn't hesitate to take you in no matter what. I'll always be here for you through thick and thin. I love you Kiley. Please don't give up. When you're in a tough spot, and you're losing your light, remember our times together. Do you remember when there would be nothing to eat so we would go outside and pick berries? We were so hungry that we went into someone elses yard to get the berries, and an old man yelled at us. I remember we ran away laughing. It was so fun. Do you remember those times when Destiny would be in one of her moods and Kaiden would locked himself in his room and play videogames? We were always going to each other because we had no one else. We would go on walks and just rant to each other. That was one of my favorite things I did with you. There so much more and I could go on and on. 
          I'll be waiting for you, Kiley. We will talk again, I promise.

Finally got discharged from the placement I was at. Now I don't have to wait for my home passes to get on here. On our way to west virginia I had a seizure. I feel like a different person now. I don't even know who I am anymore. All I know is that I now have 2 desperate personalities, big me (14) and little  (5) 
          Right now I'm "big me" I may be 18 on Friday but my age will only go up to 14. I have no control over my little space. It's not even a little space anymore, it's a whole seperate me. I'm struggling  with  it. I can't remember anything that happened before I switched. We fight for control. I find that if I don't let myself switch, I end up feeling really sick, so I have no choice but to. I wish I didn't become like this. It's really fucking hard.
          -koda

Warning: i talk about littlespace so if you dont accept it or like it, dont read
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          I literally stayed up all night and got not even a second of sleep. I have a 7 hour car ride, so im planning on sleeping in the car. I get motion sickness very easily, so its a good thing ill be asleep for most of the ride
          The whole night i was reading littlespace fanfics and omg it makes me so fucking jealous cause i want a mommy or daddy but i dont have one (if anyones interested in being my platonic mommy/daddy (preferably a mommy) dont be afraid to dm me)
          So while i was reading i had my paci in my mouth (its so soothing!!) And i just slipped really hard and little koda (thats what i call them) started crying cause they felt lonely and i feel so bad cause i cant take care of them since we share a body. The most i can do for them is make all my little gear easily accessible (i keep my paci under my pillow for this reason)
          I dont have any toys sadly. I do got a bunch of stuffies though. 
          I just wish there was more i could do for little koda. Im not mentally or emotionally capable of handling a job right now, so i dont have any money. And even if i did, it would be so hard just to sneak my little gear. Its hard enough hiding my paci cause little koda will fall asleep with it in their mouth and it sometimes falls out and ends up somewhere on the bed or on the floor, and if anyone walked in, they could easily see it. Only 2 other people in this house (out of 5) know about my littlespace. Its hard to hide it from 3 other people or people who visit the house.
          I just wish we lived in a world where littlespace is socially accepted. Its literally a minority in a minority. (Cause the majority of minority groups dont even accept it)
          Its hard enough being nonbinary. It just really sucks cause both these things are "new"
          There so many things i wish little koda could have but i cant do that until i move out (diapers, bottle, toys, ect)
          Its gonna take me a long time until im ready to adult

PSA:(public service announcement):
          For people who actively message me (daily) im not gonna be online until the weekend after easter (until the 26th, my birthday!!)
          So if i dont respond back, thats why.  Please dont think im ignoring you or i forgot about you. 
          Ill talk to you soon my friends <3
          -koda

Okay so im going to west virginia tomorrow to be with my foster family's relatives for easter, and my foster mom came up to me and told me "dont talk about being gay. Dont make gay jokes. Its not approprate because youre not even dating someone and people will take it as something sexual. They will think youre trying to get with them. You shouldnt let the whole world know youre gay. Stop flaunting it everywhere you go. Its not an appropriate thing to do."
          Um, well first of all, im not actually gay. I dont even know what i am, and at the moment i dont really feel the need to find a label for it. All i know is i like girls but mostly not sexually. (Unless specific circumstances which im not going to talk about rn cause theres a lot) 
          Anyways, like i was saying, i like to say im gay ironically, i dont actually mean it. And i live for gay jokes and gay everything. Anytime i see a rainbow i automatically say "omg thats so gay i love it"
          Or if i see a cute girl i mutter under my breath, "damn shes cute"
          I really dont get how this is innapproprate, honestly. I dont mean it sexually in any shape or form. My gayness isnt typically sexual! Actually, it is very rare that i do, for reasons i said above. 
          I cant help my gayness, ill flaunt it everywhere idc. Im not even hurting anyone or myself, yall just homophobic. And its not like i care what people think about when i do the gay. 
          My gayness is just a part of my personality. Ill do it anyways, even if my fostermom gets mad. I cant hide who i am, and i cant change what others think so im gonna do what makes me happy
          Thank you for coming to my tedtalk, and i hope yall have a gay rest of your day :)
          PS(postscript): my whole room is rainbow theme its really gay and it makes me really gay(happy)
          -koda

OMG AFTER I TURN 18 IM FINALLY LEGALLY CHANGING MY NAME TO KODA!! I never thought this would happen, im really happy. And my last name will be Fox, how cool is that?!

I cant believe im about to be 18. Only 13 days away. I never thought I'd be alive for this. Im nervous but also excited at the same time. I know im gonna feel the same as i did before, but the thought of being an adult.. heck. I have mixed emotions.

If any of yall still here. Its koda. Its been awhile. I just want you to know im still alive. I finally ran away from my abusive home in august 2018 im now in foster care with my twin, and im gonna be adopted by my foster family. Im gonna be 18 on the 26th this month. If you have any questions, or just wanna talk, dont be afraid to dm me. -koda <3

HELLLLOOOO

helllll yessss i have french class in 2 hours!!