Dioniseus

And suddenly, all those demons inside my head shuted the fuck up and stopped calling out your name. I was waiting for that moment to be able to live my life again and be myself again. The fun fact that the person I was, wasn't actually me. Maybe it was the person I wanted to be or the people arround me wanted me to be. Sometimes, I change, I let my real self down to satisfy people I care about. In the begging, it was very easy to find myself again because it never lasted. This time, it lasted and I kept ignoring my real self, I was hearing him screaming and just left him down to satisfy someone else. Actually, none on this earth deserves this, none is worth doing this for myself. The person that I ended up being now isn't the best version I've ever been to be honest but it's not the worst too. I'll stick to it because it doesn't hurt, it doesn't make me suffer and screw up my life. I have to save the little bit left of my future and it can help me to do it. I am who I am now and foe the first time of my life, I don't feel lost and I don't want to satisfy someone else but my own person. 

It's only when you lose the thing you care about the most, you'll know how life really is. Life is a fucking bitch... It's a fact and facts are facts, we can't change them, we have just to accept hem even if they'll screw up our lives. I guess I never knew how love really is till the day I could understand my feelings towards you. I knew it could be a fucking mess, I knew that it's possible to lose a very great friend and I took the risk just because I love you. Loving you means also that I love your presence. I wanted to do everything for you, to make you smile, to make happy, to make you feel all the joy on this earth because yoy deserve it and you deserve to be happy because I love you. I wanted to bring every single part of you coming from the dead star that you was talking about back to life. Unfortunately, I was too weak and I couldn't do this because every time you say your fucking mean words when you're trying to be truthful... Actually, we can be truthful without breaking others hearts that way. I know that sometimes we have to let our heats break to let the light in and the pain out but your words was feeling like every bone in my body was breaking and I can't do anything but screaming silently to not disturb you or make feel bad.. Not even a close... Not even a little bit...
          
          

I'm wheeling to give myself another chance and try to save the bit left but I don't know from where to start, I don't even know if there are things left. Would they even believe me? Would they give me another chance even if I couldn't do what they advised me to do? Would I be able to do it? There are things I can't do and I feel sometimes sorry for myself. I can't just throw people out of ly life, I can't stop talking to people who were nice to me and gave me a bit of their time, their lifes and their souls even if they don't anymore. I can't be this ungrateful... Am sorry ! I've got to be who I am even if yoy gotta go your own way. I won't let anything down anymore. I may be colder now, I may not show my feelings but it's better and at the same time, I won't hurt people just because am hurt. Am not Karma even if am a bitch. I take revenge only from people who fucked up with me and sometimes I don't because I feel better than this not because I'm weak. And after all of this, I can't hate anyone, even after taking my revenge, we can stay friends only because I can't hate people... Actually, I used to. Now I do hate people and they have to fear my hatred because are very bad bad bitches at doing this. 

It's the first time that I don't know how to describe my feelings, that I don't find any words in my minds, that I feel lost and I can't find myself. Me, the one helping others to find themselves, the good friend I was, the best student, the best son, the best brother, the best father... Everything is just fading away. It's true that am having a lot of first experiences this period but we can't control this. I took many decisions to not do many things anymore, to not be the one I found myself turning to anymore because it's screwing everything up even other's lifes. I don't know how to deal with this, with the hearts I broke, the people I lost, the relashionships that I messed up and I keep missing it up without knowing how to stop, without knowing how to heal myself or heal them. Am turning in the worst version of me and some people and even voices in my head says that it's because of loving someone who was killing me coldly without even noticing it. How can people be this blind? How could I turn blind eye to what happened just because I love that person? How could I fogive such a things and let my principles down? My life is a mess.

I wanna be next to you right now, holding your sweaty hands with those little nails that you keep eating all day. I wanna hug you so fucking bad because I miss you, I miss your smell all over my body, I miss putting my head next to yours on your bed or on your shoulder, I miss putting my hand on your chest and feeling your heartbeats. I just want to feel all the good things you made feel again even for a while but not in the same way. I need to know that you're sure of what you're feeling, I want you to give me a real chance, I want to spend my time with you knowing that you're just here for me and no one else, I want to feel that you're mine even if none owns you, I wanna break your rules with my endless love. 

Right now, am on my way to schol, in the car's back seat and as usual you're in mind. I tried everything to fascinate you, to make you feel something more than friendship for me. I don't know why do I still have hope but I do even if you're not showing a single sign to encourage me. You're only pushing me away but you need something harder to do it. This may be my last try because am feeling lost and broken and I don't know what to do.
          I succeeded quitting weed and coc but I can't quit loving you because it's more than an addiction, it's becoming vital for me. The blood in my veins is calling out your name to circle in mu body to give me life. When I can't see you, I feel that breath cutting thirst that can't go away without feeling your smell in the air. You know... Those past 3 days, I was hugging that Levis T-Shirt to fall asleep  and I love it. I hope i don't screw it up this time because I really need it... I can't take this anymore. 
          

I really wanted you to be there... While I was giving my speech, I still had hope that you'll enter in the next seconds. I was going to hug you so fucking hard in front of them all. I don't give a fuck about them. Did I ask for too much from you? Don't I even deserve a little sacrifice from you if we can call it so? Even as a good friend, I guess I deserve it...
          I don't know if it can be worse... Did I screw up everything? Is it my destiny to not be with, to not look closer to those brown eyes, to not kiss those tasty lips, to not put my hands on your face, to not feel the warmth of your hands on my skin? It's the first time that I can't accept my desriny. It's the first time that I don't believe in destiny. Am changing because of you... Am not myself anymore. Maybe I've never been myself before and it's the first time too. I don't care, I don't give a fuck because all I want is to be with you and now I'm scared of what's coming, of what I am going to find in the future, I don't wanna face it alone and you seem the only thing that can give me strength...

In this morning, I can't think about anything but you. You're in my mind... You're everywhere arround me and it just hurts that we can't cuddle because we ended up friends and I don't have the right to be more than a friend or to ask for something friends don't ask for.
          I remember, every night before I sleep, every single moment we spent together... I never thought that I'll feel this way for someone but I do and it's just so fucking hard to admit it. Am 18 now and I understand that we can't get everything we want but you're more than a thing... You seem to be everything and it hurts.
          I lost control and am lost but I like it because whenever am with you, even as a friend, I find myself with you. I can't forget anything especially the touch of your hands on mine, on my body, on my face, on my neck... I don't believe in destiny but if it exists, I hope it gives us the chance to be together again, to feel you again, to get the goodbye we deserve, the goodbye I deserve... I don't believe my friends when they say that I deserve someone way better than you and I don't even believe you when you say it because I want you and none on this earth but you and it hurts...
          E mi manchi amore mio... Tu mi manchi come quando cerco dio... E in assenza di te
          Io ti vorrei per dirti che... Tu mi manchi amore mio. 

This smell in the air reminds of you... You know, when it rains, all I can ask for is to be in yours arms watching this big windy sky from your little bedroom's window, hug you very hard and feel your warmth all over my body and kiss you till we fall asleep. I know this will never be real but I want it from the buttom of my heart, I want it so bad. I don't know why you're still inspiring me even if I know that we can't be together anymore or be together forever but it just my heart who doesn't accept it. You're still there... You never left actually. I wanted to hate you but I couldn't... Not even a close... Not even a little bit... After everything you said and yoi kept saying, I can't get you out of my mind. You're just stuck there and I can't think about anything or anyone but you. What the hell am I doing? I fucking don't know but I just want you  and see you everywhere. Is it the same for you? How do you feel about me? What do you expect me to do? It was the best mistake I've ever made if it's a mistake according to you and I'll make it again and again if I could. This is the first time where I can't get the lesson from my mistake, where I can't move on, where I can't get over someone and I'm just there in the middle of nowhere looking for someone who doesn't want me or even gave me a chance.

I wanna thank you for all the moments you sahred with me in this month. It has been the best month of my life and I mean it. You just made me feel a lot of good things, a lot beautiful feelings just like you. You gave me the opportunity to be myself for the first time of my life. You told me not to get attached to you but I did and I don't regret it. I don't regret anything I've done with you and for you. After spending this month with you in my life this way, those 31 days, those 744 hours, those 44640 seconds that changed me, that made me see who I am and who you really are. You're such a dick, my best kisser with an angelic look that I can't see without melting and feeling lost in your brown eyes, with a heart that I didn't have the opportunity to be in it but I feel like there's a piece of heaven right there... Somewhere, that, once found who deserves it, can do miracles. I wanna explore this heart, I really wanna be part of it even if you make it seem impossible to me but I won't give up. I won't give up on you, I won't let you down, I won't make you feel bad, I won't stop loving you... To be as realistic as you are, I'll say that I will never forget you if anything happened and I'll say that we can'y end up friends because I can't see you, talk to you and smell your odor without having the killing desire to grab the collar of your sweater and kiss you. Only writing those words made feel thirsty for you so please don't let me down... Because I love you and I swear I do.