Dograk

If you aren't me and you read this, I don't know why you'd do that but, thanks, I guess? I mean, I'd think you don't know even what I'm referring to in this entire post but that's dedication. 
          
          See you later or never.

Going back to what I was saying. One of the accounts stood out to me. The girl that was bodychecking isn't my only reason, but it was the last straw. The glass finally overfilled. It made my mind go into a relapse. The thoughts even back from when i started my ed came to my head once again, so I hope my journey will have a big kickstart for once. Instead of me always getting the bad and long explanations of the simplest things.
          
          

That is also one of two reasons why I won't be posting here anymore. Maybe eventually just reminding how much i lost or how much still to go or occasional things on my mind or what happened in my day, but from now on I'll mostly be trying to post on a new platform. Its called bluesky. It won't be hard to find me there but I don't want to such obviously put out the name right here. The second reason being another celebrity of mine but I won't get into that now.
          
          

Today I looked through twitter for actually quite some time. More than my usual sessions. I followed some edtwt accounts as usual but there were one or two that stood out to me especially. One of the accounts low key sent out a meanspo tweet which isn't much significant account-wise but I'll still remember it. Not word for word but I know the message. The second account is a very sick person, but their sickness made me realize how i look like. Yes, its comparison, and I shouldn't compare blah blah blah... but I did. Her side profile - of her body, her stomach. It wasn't a flat tummy super aesthetic, no. It was dented inwards. With her hip bones being the widest part of her body. I originally thought that I'm jealous, but then I realized, it's not jealousy I'm feeling. I felt bad. For myself. A bit of jealousy too, i guess. Also, while I was on twitter I looked though my bestest of friends tweets because I was curious and kinda bored. They retweeted a fatphobic tweet. Now, it wouldn't be that bad, if the tweet itself wasn't sent from one of my childhood celebrity crushes. My heart also kinda broke. Not that I don't love that celebrity anymore or I don't like my best friend or something. I'll just try to pretend like that person never tweeted that, but I'll keep in mind what my friend thought of people that, lets be honest here, could've been potentially me. That's also when I deleted edtwt from my bio on twitter. I realized my friends are there what if my brother finds out -  or worse my mom or step dad does... 
          
          

Not very fun and enjoyable summer. I didn't only see myself as a useless person, others saw it too. Well, my mom did. She said all I know how to do is to look at the screen of a laptop and a phone. She called me names. I try not to put much thought on what she says, but they just stay deep in my brain silently echoing in my everyday life, if i can even call it that. 
          
          

When I was at school I wanted to have a cool summer, change, make habits, document, but I didn't do anything. You know, all the stuff every kid wanted. The fact that I've been so useless had a big factor on my mental this summer so... it was like a big spiral. Many factors have made me feel shit, mostly gaining and not doing what i said I'll do and because of feeling so horrible I'd eat up my sadness. And it went on and on and on... and because there was no school, nowhere I would have to look good for anyone it made it easier for me to binge. 
          
          

Okay so the last month or more, its been pretty rough. I've been practically bingeing for a couple months straight and I gained 5+kgs. Putting me in the highest weight I've had in a year. Also I haven't been sleeping well, I either sleep for 12 hours or don't sleep at all. When I set alarms for myself I unconsciously turn them off and continue sleeping so that's not cool. I haven't been going outside as much as I'd want. I did start reading 4 books, but I only finished 1.
          
          

thats literally only 2 and a half hours bruh

i haven't eaten since i woke up hihi ( i woke up at 13:30 [1:30PM])

I'm being forced to wear shorts and i literally hate my legs ew ew someone take them off me (the legs not the shorts weirdo)