this message may be offensive
It was before I reached the second quarter point writing my second book, SMN, that Robert no longer felt like the Robert I had started writing with. I feel like the guy I'm writing is someone else. Someone different. A character that doesn't quite suit the name Robert. Yes, RDJ was my muse through my first book (which I'm still proud of!), but the last 2 have felt... different. I don't know. Maybe 'cause those stories are a lot more personal, a lot more real, that I've felt uncomfortable using RDJ as I have as--almost as a promotion for my books. Like I found a niche audience and stuck to it.
I feel weird referring to this real world dude for a story that is so terribly personal to me, then to watch it be shuffled into the category of fan-fiction. Maybe because I've grown up a lot since writing my first book (I was 17!! Wow!), or the fact that the shit that happened when I was 19, that inspired SMN, changed me as a writer and person, but it just leaves me wanting more for SMN rather than letting it live here as some fantasy story to some guy I don't even know or, as the writer, connect with to MY story. It's a love story, yes, and was a way to distract myself through the darker days, and for that I am SO incredibly thankful to you all for joining the journey of recovery with me.
That said, I am super grateful to RDJ for being my muse way back when. Also for not eternally checking himself off the internet at the murmur of what goes on here haha--and I'm still a huge fan, but maybe less fangirl-ish than I was as a teeny-bopper, if the makes sense.
Idk. Ramble ramble. Feels tonight, I guess. Or lack of.