Feelicks

I dont think I ever told you this and you should probably know. It's not a big deal now but, thank you so much for calling me that one time last month. I was in an awful place, and that night was supposed to be my last. I attempted that night, and it was really fuckimg stupid of me. I wanted to be the last person I talked to and heard before I left. And I'm sorry I never told you. 
          
          But I owe it to you, not that I'm alive but for keeping me going. I've been clean two months now and I want to say a thank you  to you for cheering me on and being there for me through everything. I thought I should be honest with you, and I'm sorry. But I want to tell you I love you and thank ylu for sticking by my side and being there for me no matter what. I love you honeycomb. Thank you and goodnight

[Vent-ish? I hate feelings so much-]
          
          
          
          
          I dont know if I'm aro or jsut so bad at building connections that romance jsjt isnt my top priority. I want to fall in love, I want to experience love like a normal person, but I cant. I always fuck up, and people get tired of me. On top of that people really jsut dont like me- I'm loud, annoying, and trans. No cis man wants me, I'm so fucking annoying that not even another trans person would like me. I hate being 'diffrent'. I hate love so much, I hate having to feel it. 
          
          I have so much love to give but no one wants it, and all the people who say they did have left, except for you. I think romance is dumb, friends are hard to make and keep. 
          
          I can't wait to leave this fucking state

[Happy Vent? Idk what this is jsut a rant because I discovered somthing about myself-]
          
          Being aroace and a hopeless romantic is actually kinda fun. I ahve so much love to give to everyone and I honestly cant expect anything in return. It's not that I dislike it, because I do like the feeling of being loved, but it's not a want or a need. 
          
          I like knowing that I can openly Express how I feel for people without catching feelings, and openly giving somone love and compassion! Sure being broken up with hurts quite a bit but I know that I can still love them from afar; and still let them know i love them.
          
          With you I know that I wont have romantic feelings for you because you're my best friend. From the day I met you I knew that we were jsut meant to be friends in some way and have it stay like that. I like knowing that I can give you all the love in the world and still only hold you as a platonic partner than romantic. You're special like that :3 
          
          I dont know if its jsut being autistic, or if the only love I was shown when I was little was as an apology, but I want to love people. I want to give people the love I think they deserve and be as nice as possible. I like love, I like giving love! I dont think that made sence but that's jsut my view on love- 

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO THE BEST PARTNER I COULD AHVE EVER ASKED FOR! DJDJ YOURE AWSOME SUNSHINE, ILYSM AND THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOUVE DONE AND BEING THERE FOR ME NO MATTER WHAT. I CANT WAIT TO GI TO CANADA WITH YOU AND ALL OF OUR ANIMAL CHILDREN- DJJDHDHDH 

[Vent TW// SEWERSLIDE AND YELLING] 
          
          
          
          
          
          
          I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY IM A FUCKING SCREWUP, I'M SORRY I TALK TO MUCH, I'M SORRY I FANT HANDLE MY FEELINGS, I'M SORRY THAT I NEED CONFERMATION FROM OTHERS TO KNOW YOU DONT HATE ME, I'M SORRY I'M A BAD PERSON, I'M SO FUCKING SORRY. PLEASE I DONT WANT TO WAKE UP THIS TIME, PLEASE. I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE PLEASE I WANT THINGS TO GO BACK TO NORMAL READY 
          
          

You >>>>>> everyone else

[Vent: TW//yelling]
          
          WHY WONT IT STOP, PLEASE I JSUT WANT THINGS TO BE BACK TO HOW THEY WERE. I WANT TO BE HAPPY AGAIN, I WANT TO WAKE UP AND BE EXCITED FOR THE DAY, I WANT TO WAKE UP AND ACTUALLY WANT THE DAY TO HAPPEN. I WANT EVERYTHING TO BE GOOD AGAIN. I.CANT.TAKE. IT. 
          
          I cant even get an I love you anymore, I cant even get anything nice, or reassuring anymore. The fucking world is against me and I cant take it anymore. I'm so tired, I just want a fucking hug.

[Vent TW// SH]
          
          I honestly dont know what I was expecting, every day I'm met with the same shit over and over, the same disappointment that comes every fuxking day.  Was three weeks good, and now I'm not even a day, it would have been four weeks tomorrow. I cant keep waking up and expecting somthing good to happen when I know it never will. I want jsjt one good day, please jsut one.

I'm tired. 

[Good Vent]
          
          I finally was able to open up to somone- I was forced into "therapy" with Brody (he threatened to play weezer if I didn't-) and I finally jsut got everything out- I'm actually not to sure how I feel about this but it was nice to be able to yell. It felt bad, but it was also really nice to jsut get it out of my system 
          
          8/10 don't recomend, especially not the weezer part