Hmm... That's actually a pretty good start as far as writing goes. I just want to tell you what everyone is constantly reminding me, the reader is not inside your head. You may want to spend more time actually showing your character. Yes, I know It's just a fan fic, so you don't necessarily need to develop the character, but just explain a tiny bit more, it actually gets confusing whether they are male or female. Also, the person who is speaking gets confusing, you aren't sure who it is, and sometimes it seems like they are saying something the other person should be saying. You don't want the reader have to go back and reread to understand everything. Other than the little confusing bits though, it's pretty good. (I hope I didn't offend you, I just know writers learn from others, and even though you probably already knew that, It's often helpful to have someone else point it out.)
