Hmm

...Work wasnt the best...
          
          My thoughts are spiralling down...
          
          And honestly at this point i...
          
          ...i just dont know how much longer i will want to fight the thoughts of not being enough. That i lack something...
          
          Or even...
          
          That im not as good of a friend as people think i am...

...You know what? 
          
          Im not done. 
          
          I may be rusty, but ideas still come to my head. 
          
          Time may not be my friend, but i still want to create. 
          
          Im not leaving. 
          
          Im not going to give up.
          
          Its gonna be rough sometimes.
          
          But im gonna make it through it. 
          
          

Oh how naive i was to think i could ever get back into writing...or that im a good friend...
          
          ...im debating whether to just delete this account. I dont see much point in keeping it around, not when my writing days are gone. I cant write. The one story i finished was a fluke. 
          
          ...and ive failed to be there when people needed me the most. 
          
          ...Just unfollow. I dont deserve the followers i have. And you guys certainly have something better to do than follow a dead account that cant ever be revived. 
          
          ...if i decide to delete this account...i would be willing to give out the stories i have. 
          
          But at this point, i can tell im washed up. Both in writing and in art. Because i cant do either. 

...why should i say anything about how i feel or the enotions im struggling with when so many other people have it so much worse...?
          
          How i feel is invalid. It does not matter. 
          
          Not then. Not now. And not in the future. 
          
          So i will just bury and numb everything again, and do my best to be there for others. 

Guess who is still dead and cant come up with anything. 
          
          Guess who feels like the absolute worse friend.
          
          Guess who just wishes they could fade away sometimes.
          
          ...

Why cant i be normal
          
          Why cant i just be happy
          
          Why do i have to deal with constant anxiety
          
          Why do i always feel like a constant failure and disappointment
          
          ...and why do people keep me around, knowing im this mess of a person?

Not sure what to think or feel...
          
          Im just tired
          
          Tired of worrying
          
          Tired of thinking and overthinking
          
          Can i just go numb and blank my mind?
          
          ...Probably not.
          
          Ah well
          
          I will just withdraw into myself
          
          And distract myself.
          
          Ah...old habits.
          
          Hard to kick
          
          Even harder to change

Creativity machine broke
          
          And im slowly accepting it

Well after not being able to really bring myself to write for a...good while...i think im able to ease back into it again. 
          
          I kinda looked back into my drafts to see what story i was really excited to do as a long-term project (i.e. the one i want to do but will take the longest and probably will have monthly/bimonthly updates because of its story). 
          
          I decided on my Cipher story. 
          
          Because i hated how Gale of Darkness left a cliffhanger ending without even teasing what could come afterwards. 
          
          The prologue of that one is back up, with some tweaks. 
          
          I think in-between i can update on more short-term projects. 
          
          But yeah...thats kind of my plan moving forward.
          
          Have a good day!
          
          

Well...somehow i made it through this weekend at work. Honestly...it could have been better. 
          
          Friday and Saturday were the worst days, with Sunday being the okay day. 
          
          *sighs* People at work told me when i came in Friday that i needed to look to the bright side and not be so negative since i was saying i knew that this weekend was gonna be bad with it being July 4th weekend. 
          
          *shrugs* And honestly? Who knows...maybe they are right. Maybe it would've been better if i had thought more positive. But you cant fault me for being negative when i know how holidays are when you work where i work  
          
          I dont know to be honest...my feelings are just fried at this point and i honestly stopped feeling after about three hours into my shift on Friday. 
          
          Dont get me wrong...i had a couple laughs with my coworker about some stupid stuff but ultimately i just...numbed up and just wanted it to be over. 
          
          ...Im probably gonna delete this later after i wake up from sleeping. Im not normally one to really...share how i feel so...
          
          Have a good day everyone...at least one that is better than how my weekend went. ><;