Fake_Serendipity

It’s almost been seven years. Seven whole years. I wonder what you’d be doing now, if we’d still be friends. If you’d be proud of where life took me. I know you’d be proud I still have a life. I wonder where you went. 

Not doing so great. Year ago was in an abusive relationship. And he just kept hurting me after we broke up and gaslit me for so long. He gave me a psychotic break last year. Saw things beyond. Learned too late that I should have pretended I didn’t. It’s happening again. It always started with the three. And I hate that I blocked him but I feel so fucking guilty about it because I feel responsible. I just want to talk to someone understanding about it. 

I hope that you’re okay, wherever you are now. I have so many things to tell you. 

I’m on three different medications right now. I have a lot of pills in the house. Sometimes I think about taking all of them. I guess that means the antidepressants aren’t doing what they’re supposed to. 

I wish I could talk to you. 

I love you. xx

Why can’t I stop feeling the way that I feel? It’s so stupid that most of the time I feel nothing at all and people hate me for that and it pushes me farther apart from the semi-normal people. But every other time- the times I actually have strong emotions- everything is just shit. It’s depression, pain, anxiety, guilt, self hate, hopelessness, and everything in between. And every time I feel that way I just hate myself even more for it. I want to make myself feel the things I should be feeling like love, warm, hope, etc but when I can’t I just make myself feel the closest to a human emotion I can- more pain. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. Thus the “why can’t I stop feeling like this”. I know, well I think, there’s only really one way to make all those feelings go away for good. And heck most of the time I want that. Then I think of the just about one person who actually asks me “please don’t do that”. It helps me to know that someone cares, but it’s not enough. I almost did do it and nothing and I mean nothing mattered not even my friend. And this situation just keeps getting worse because we’re fighting all the time now because I’m so abrasive and defensive and just overall want to win (which is sickly ironic because of how little I actually care about myself). I feel like we’re growing apart and I’ve overextended my welcome. I don’t really know what to do at this point. I really wish you were just here so I could talk to you but I know I can’t. I think I’m beyond real help now, just a child grasping onto strings of life. I don’t know why I’m so argumentative and why I have to bring other people down to regain any sense of normalcy. Everyone thinks I’m such a great person and I’m really nice and helpful but I guess once you get to know me I’m just another bully. I know I’m not a good person, not how people think I am at least. But why do I have to be like THIS. It hurts like hell and I’m just stuck hurting. Please help me. (Not to anyone that’s just how I feel)

I’m still here.

I don’t know what to do.
          
          Long story short I’m sitting at my computer writing my cast bio for the musical I’m in and I’ve gotten to the end, and look I’ve been planning this for a while so I already knew I was gonna do it, but now I just stopped. I’m on the last sentence and it’s a dedication to you but I don’t know what to say. I can’t put your name because people would ask too many questions, especially my parents, but when I just put your initials it doesn’t feel right. I also don’t know what to say to a girl like you there’ so much I could say- thank you, I miss you, I wish you were here with me, you were a solution to me but what you did wasn’t. I’m lost. And this stupid courser won’t stop blinking and the screen keeps turning off. Why can’t you just BE here? Why can’t you just answer me?

What am I supposed to do? I don’t want to forget you because that’s exactly what you said we would do. And because you don’t deserve to be forgotten. You thought you were someone who would just fade away. I have this feeling that I get whenever I think about you like I’m trying to get closer to the memories and they’re trying to push me away. It feels like you’re trying to push me away. I hate it but what if it’s what you want. Me to just go away. It’s pretty hypocritical because you said you’d never forget us. I was able to change after being here and witnessing your story. I know too many people who are handling the same problems and who might not make it out the other side. I don’t know what to do about them. I never have. But in their eyes I see you and I can’t have them do what you did. I’m not leaving, I have to try and decide what you would want me to do. Until then.