FlowerXochiquetzal

I want only you. How could I not. But I am not ready anymore. How am I supposed to live with what I did, with how you reacted. I'm not blaming you, it's just that, how am I supposed to live among the trust that we both broke, and the anxiety and fear that it might carry now. Will you ever trust me again? Will I ever be comfortable telling you something of the same magnitude as that? 

And if you –who loved every single version of me– didn't love me at my lowest, then who will? If you, who are so kind, didn't stick with me, then who will? What if you're actually better off without me? What if I get better without you? In five years, will you leave me again when the time that I need you the most arrives? Is this really how things ought to be? I swear I'm sorry and I swear I didn't mean to and I swear I love you. How do you expect me to keep going when you were embroidered into every aspect of my life? When you were there when I went shopping, you were there when I was waiting for the bus, when I was riding an uber, you were there. And now, you are no more.
          What do I have left, then? How do I cope with this? 

I don't know what to do. I really really wish I could say I want only you. The truth is, not even I know that. I only know that I still love you. Is this really how things ought to be? 
          I hate him I really really really really really really really really really really really hate him I wish he just died, that way I wouldn't have to think about it, about him. 
          How could I ever change you. I can't even begin to fathom the thought of not having you, of not being yours. Then, what am I? If not yours. 
          I want only you, and then what? What if in, let's say, 5 years, is this all over again? Then what?
          I don't know if I want him. I know I'll love you for the rest of my life. I don't know if I can only want you for the rest of my life. Then what am I supposed to do? You're embroidered into every aspect of my life, into the most mundane of things. How could I just move on? You want me to do the right thing. I don't even know what that is anymore.
          I'll pray every night, just please, I want to know. 
          
          How happy I'd be if I just died right know. 

I still think of you, dear soulmate. It's a pity we weren't meant to be. I think it'd have been lovely if only it had worked. If only we made it work. Don't you think so? A lovely cabin, you and me. 
          
          I don't regret a single thing now, and I hope knowing that gives you piece of mind. I don't regret you now. I'm happy you happened, and I'm happy you are no more. I've long learnt that both of those things can coexist.
          
          And I hope you're happy and doing well. And that you have someone. And that your mother is doing well, the same goes for your brother. 
          
          Sorry I like you better when you only exist in my mind, but keep in mind that I'll forever be yours. 

They said he understood he had harmed me and that's why– but I didn't need him to understand, I needed him to fight, to demonstrate that he cared. About me. About us.  
          I don't want him to be happy if it's not by my side. I don't want him to ever get over me. I hope that we will be together again. I want him to be only mine. 

am I truly that hard to love? 

I miss you 

Had he insisted maybe I'd-

You must not cry, love. Just know I live everyday with you on my mind, the thought of you keeping me company when I need it the most. I know we will be okay, we've faced multiple difficulties, and we've survived. And we will survive.

I'm tired of little things