Crys H

Hope he smiles and giggles while doing the laundry 

"I want to wear his initial on a chain round my neck" except I do it daily, but it's not actually his

Gray November

I miss my sadness and I miss my grief. I don't know how to turn happiness into poetry, I don't know to turn good moments into letters but how I wish I knew. I miss writing just the same I miss being younger and naive and. And I'm currently living my best life, but how am I without my sadness and my anger?

YOU'LL BE MY FAVOURITE MISTAKE 

HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU !!

My sadness is my best character actually 

It's in the nights when my grief finally crawls out from below my bed. It looks at me in the mirror, like every night, before I go to bed. It lays next to me and looks me in the eyes. "It's been so long" it whispers. I know. It hugs me, and it's warm, so so warm. I hug it back, it's exactly what I need, what I so desperately crave and wish. It lulls me, whispers lullabies of old friendships and people that was once here. I cry a few minutes and then fall asleep. When I wake up in the morning it's to an empty bed, but it's okay. I know it is not gone, it will be back at night, like always.

And I'm so so tired I want to stop waking every morning 

And I doubt I'm even capable of loving people, of truly caring for them. There's people I appreciate a lot, people I get along with, and people I don't care for. But I do not *love* any of them, at least not in the way people would expect of someone close to them. I'm not an emphatic, I don't really care about most people and I wonder if I do about people close to me. I ask things because I know it's what they expect, it needs to be done. Relationships need maintenance. I care, maybe. I don't know. And it's so weird, because I know I'll spend entire nights crying the moment they decide I will not longer be a part of their life. I care, a little I guess. 
          
          It doesn't even matter anyway. I will probably not be in touch with any of them in a year.